Saturday, April 25, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Rendered speechless by a 9 year old named Shawn
It's rare, actually VERY rare for me to be rendered speechless. It's even more than VERY rare for my jaw to drop and be rendered speechless by a 9 year old multiple times in one day. Enter my nephew Shawn.
He turned 9 in the beginning of April and lives in Iowa. While visiting the family this weekend I was able to spend some quality time with him and my niece Shannon who is 13. He had some birthday money* burning a hole in his pocket, so we spent over 4 hours (mainly researching his options) at the mall. Here are a few highlights.
In the car--on the way to the mall--discussing our plans to shop, maybe see a movie, etc.
Shawn: I took a vow to myself to never see the Hannah Montana movie.
Amy: I support that. I saw 17Again and thought it was really cute.
Shawn: You went to the premiere with Troy.
Amy: Yes, Troy invited me. Troy knows Zac Efron from work events.
Shawn: Is Zac gay?
Amy: No.
Shawn: Yeah I saw on tmz his girlfriend is Vanessa Hudgens and they
said she can wipe her tears with her money.
Amy: WHAT?
In Target--waiting on Shannon who was trying on clothes . . .
Shawn to Amy: When am I gonna get another uncle?
Amy: Um. Wait. What? Do you want one?
Shawn: Yeah. I just have the one. Uncle Scott. I want another one.
Amy: Ok. I'm gonna work on it.
Shawn: Cool.
Then at one point we were in fye (music/movie, etc. store) and he
walked into the "mature viewers" section w/o me and lifted up the playboy cover of a dvd . . .
Amy: That's not really for you Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah I know, but whenever I see the playboy thing (logo) I get curious.
Then we went into Spencer's gifts--I remember when it was mainly fart
noisemaker things and what not--now it's pretty much porn and weed props. Anyway--we left quickly and then . . .
Shawn: Spencer's is really a dildo store for nerdy guys who can't get a date. That's what I heard.
Amy: Um maybe. And other stuff.
On the ride home, my niece asked me about Rihanna and Chris Brown. We had a brief discussion about how violence is unacceptable, and Shawn called him a turd. We are all on Team Rihanna. Duh. Then we had a fairly spirited discussion about Miley Cyrus' birth name. I was pretty sure Miley started as a nickname and then she changed it to her legal name. Shawn decided the best to find out the real answer was to look it up on my mac when we got home. Which I did. I was right--Miley was named Destiny Hope when she was born and changed her name to Miley Ray. I am both proud and sad that I "was right". Mainly sad.
I finished the night watching Cory in the House (wishing it was Benson) on Disney Channel and trying to right my brain with some Pinot Noir. . .
*I gave Shawn a cash gift for his bday. If you want to know how much you'll have to solve the word problem I put in his birthday card. Take current age, add the number of states in the US, subtract Shannon's age, add the number of tv's in Bubbie's house (4), subtract Zac Efron's age in his new movie. Answer is________. I also gave him a birthday project. With an additional $15 given to him, he needs to figure out how to "give it back" to people or organizations in need. He is doing the research and will let me know next weekend. Stay tuned.
For the record--Shawn does not have unlimited access to the internet--he doesn't even cable tv at home. He absolutely doesn't miss a thing. My mind is blown by kids of today. I'm pretty sure I was still eating dirt when I was 9.
He turned 9 in the beginning of April and lives in Iowa. While visiting the family this weekend I was able to spend some quality time with him and my niece Shannon who is 13. He had some birthday money* burning a hole in his pocket, so we spent over 4 hours (mainly researching his options) at the mall. Here are a few highlights.
In the car--on the way to the mall--discussing our plans to shop, maybe see a movie, etc.
Shawn: I took a vow to myself to never see the Hannah Montana movie.
Amy: I support that. I saw 17Again and thought it was really cute.
Shawn: You went to the premiere with Troy.
Amy: Yes, Troy invited me. Troy knows Zac Efron from work events.
Shawn: Is Zac gay?
Amy: No.
Shawn: Yeah I saw on tmz his girlfriend is Vanessa Hudgens and they
said she can wipe her tears with her money.
Amy: WHAT?
In Target--waiting on Shannon who was trying on clothes . . .
Shawn to Amy: When am I gonna get another uncle?
Amy: Um. Wait. What? Do you want one?
Shawn: Yeah. I just have the one. Uncle Scott. I want another one.
Amy: Ok. I'm gonna work on it.
Shawn: Cool.
Then at one point we were in fye (music/movie, etc. store) and he
walked into the "mature viewers" section w/o me and lifted up the playboy cover of a dvd . . .
Amy: That's not really for you Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah I know, but whenever I see the playboy thing (logo) I get curious.
Then we went into Spencer's gifts--I remember when it was mainly fart
noisemaker things and what not--now it's pretty much porn and weed props. Anyway--we left quickly and then . . .
Shawn: Spencer's is really a dildo store for nerdy guys who can't get a date. That's what I heard.
Amy: Um maybe. And other stuff.
On the ride home, my niece asked me about Rihanna and Chris Brown. We had a brief discussion about how violence is unacceptable, and Shawn called him a turd. We are all on Team Rihanna. Duh. Then we had a fairly spirited discussion about Miley Cyrus' birth name. I was pretty sure Miley started as a nickname and then she changed it to her legal name. Shawn decided the best to find out the real answer was to look it up on my mac when we got home. Which I did. I was right--Miley was named Destiny Hope when she was born and changed her name to Miley Ray. I am both proud and sad that I "was right". Mainly sad.
I finished the night watching Cory in the House (wishing it was Benson) on Disney Channel and trying to right my brain with some Pinot Noir. . .
*I gave Shawn a cash gift for his bday. If you want to know how much you'll have to solve the word problem I put in his birthday card. Take current age, add the number of states in the US, subtract Shannon's age, add the number of tv's in Bubbie's house (4), subtract Zac Efron's age in his new movie. Answer is________. I also gave him a birthday project. With an additional $15 given to him, he needs to figure out how to "give it back" to people or organizations in need. He is doing the research and will let me know next weekend. Stay tuned.
For the record--Shawn does not have unlimited access to the internet--he doesn't even cable tv at home. He absolutely doesn't miss a thing. My mind is blown by kids of today. I'm pretty sure I was still eating dirt when I was 9.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Getting Skinny for Jesus!
Ok well maybe I'm not the perfect Catholic--but I'm ok with that. I actually like lent (or is it Lent?). I like the challenge of giving up something and usually choose something that is beneficial for me to go without. Like meth. Plus it's only 40 days or 6 weeks or something like that. Easter is April 12! Yay!
Years ago I started giving up chocolate. I ate skittles everyday. It wasn't very "beneficial." Then I started giving up candy and I ate cupcakes and prayed for co-workers birthdays so I could eat cake and oh yeah--celebrate with them. I was definitely (and still am) the person who rolled her eyes and complained when the "birthday girl/boy" wanted carrot cake. Ugh--that is ass cake and I hate it and it makes me angry that you get ANY input because you make stupid cake choices! At least I can eat around the coconut in a German chocolate cake, but carrot is a big old waste of my fifteen minutes in the conference room. I could be on facebook or tracking airfare.
ANYWAY back to Jesus wanting me skinny. I mean skinnier. About 4 years ago I decided to give up sweets during Lent--which includes candy, cupcakes, cake, donuts, ice cream, etc. It's REALLY hard, but ultimately I have less headaches and maybe a little more energy and it works. This year I was inspired (thanks Jesus) to give up alcohol AND sweets. WOW. I mean obviously that is HARD core, but I felt like Jesus wants me skinny and this is great time to save money, calories, and headaches. I'm a week into my "Getting Skinny for Jesus" and read the timeline below to track my progress . . .
Fat Monday
A new holiday inspired by my father . . . but it involved wine, pasta and lots of candy. It also involved a stomach ache and maybe a trip to Soup Plantation just to 'get ready' for Tuesday.
Fatter Tuesday
$2 Tacos and unlimited chips at Spanish Kitchen along with some delicious wine. THEN back to my apt. for some more wine and to polish off my candy supply. Yes--I was eating Robin's Eggs malted milk balls at like 11:56pm and working hard trying to finish them all. Then I decided to go Hawaiian and give myself a few more hours. I had a little more wine and some skittles and thought that that was probably what Jesus would want me to do. Mahalo!
Ash Wednesday
I had a big discussion with my father and he was following some 10 bites for breakfast, 12 bites for lunch, and 15 bites for dinner plan. It sounded like the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard and I assured him that practice was not followed on the west coast. Sounded very Midwestern, and while normally I embrace my Midwesterness--that wasn't something I support. Along with their winters. I didn't have any wine (not even at church) or any sweets and I didn't die.
Thursday-Friday
I wanted skittles REAL bad. And chocolate milk. A LOT of chocolate milk. But I stayed strong. Thanks Jesus. And Lance Armstrong. Oh yeah--and I was kinda bitchy. Sorry Jesus.
Saturday
Ok--so there was a birthday party for one of my best girlfriends and it involved a hotel room, pre-partying, partying, and an after party--and it had been planned months in advance. I was planning to drink because being the only sober one at this would have been annoying. My friend was very happy that I celebrated with her accordingly and when I thought about it--I realized that Jesus would want me to make other people happy. That's like Jesus 101.
Sunday
Wow--After some Vodka at the pre-party and absinthe drinks at the party (that made my back feel tingly), I was 'willing' to go back to my non-drinking ways. Plus it was Sunday. Double Duh. I still wanted skittles.
Monday
I REALLY wanted something sweet. Yoplait blueberry yogurt is ass.
Tuesday
My awesome neighbors came over and we watched bad tv (American Idol) with my roommate. They all enjoyed a lovely glass or two of cab sav--one of my favorite wines and I had some chamomile tea. I was a little angry with Jesus.
Wednesday
So I'm week in, and I think i will survive. I do believe that some wine would help my sinus headache, but I'll have to test that theory after Easter. After all I'm getting skinny for Jesus!
Disclaimer
Yes I was raised Catholic and still consider myself Catholic even though I don't agree with everything that the church thinks, but it's a nice hour of peace, and I know how to do everything--all the sitting, standing, kneeling. Every once in awhile I'm inspired by something the priest says, but lots of time I just meditate and stare at people. It's good for me, but don't worry--I will never try to get anyone to go to church with me and I'll never tell you what you should or shouldn't believe. Obviously I've lived in sin and some other things that seem somewhat un-Catholic like, but they still welcome me even after I had a lengthy discussion with the priest about how it doesn't seen sanitary for the entire congregation to ALL share a wine goblet. Even with the wipedowns. Yeah--I pass on Jesus' blood. Also-I've never done meth and I know I'd be a terrible meth head. The sudafed I take for my sinus headache gives me medicine head and I do not enjoy it.
Years ago I started giving up chocolate. I ate skittles everyday. It wasn't very "beneficial." Then I started giving up candy and I ate cupcakes and prayed for co-workers birthdays so I could eat cake and oh yeah--celebrate with them. I was definitely (and still am) the person who rolled her eyes and complained when the "birthday girl/boy" wanted carrot cake. Ugh--that is ass cake and I hate it and it makes me angry that you get ANY input because you make stupid cake choices! At least I can eat around the coconut in a German chocolate cake, but carrot is a big old waste of my fifteen minutes in the conference room. I could be on facebook or tracking airfare.
ANYWAY back to Jesus wanting me skinny. I mean skinnier. About 4 years ago I decided to give up sweets during Lent--which includes candy, cupcakes, cake, donuts, ice cream, etc. It's REALLY hard, but ultimately I have less headaches and maybe a little more energy and it works. This year I was inspired (thanks Jesus) to give up alcohol AND sweets. WOW. I mean obviously that is HARD core, but I felt like Jesus wants me skinny and this is great time to save money, calories, and headaches. I'm a week into my "Getting Skinny for Jesus" and read the timeline below to track my progress . . .
Fat Monday
A new holiday inspired by my father . . . but it involved wine, pasta and lots of candy. It also involved a stomach ache and maybe a trip to Soup Plantation just to 'get ready' for Tuesday.
Fatter Tuesday
$2 Tacos and unlimited chips at Spanish Kitchen along with some delicious wine. THEN back to my apt. for some more wine and to polish off my candy supply. Yes--I was eating Robin's Eggs malted milk balls at like 11:56pm and working hard trying to finish them all. Then I decided to go Hawaiian and give myself a few more hours. I had a little more wine and some skittles and thought that that was probably what Jesus would want me to do. Mahalo!
Ash Wednesday
I had a big discussion with my father and he was following some 10 bites for breakfast, 12 bites for lunch, and 15 bites for dinner plan. It sounded like the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard and I assured him that practice was not followed on the west coast. Sounded very Midwestern, and while normally I embrace my Midwesterness--that wasn't something I support. Along with their winters. I didn't have any wine (not even at church) or any sweets and I didn't die.
Thursday-Friday
I wanted skittles REAL bad. And chocolate milk. A LOT of chocolate milk. But I stayed strong. Thanks Jesus. And Lance Armstrong. Oh yeah--and I was kinda bitchy. Sorry Jesus.
Saturday
Ok--so there was a birthday party for one of my best girlfriends and it involved a hotel room, pre-partying, partying, and an after party--and it had been planned months in advance. I was planning to drink because being the only sober one at this would have been annoying. My friend was very happy that I celebrated with her accordingly and when I thought about it--I realized that Jesus would want me to make other people happy. That's like Jesus 101.
Sunday
Wow--After some Vodka at the pre-party and absinthe drinks at the party (that made my back feel tingly), I was 'willing' to go back to my non-drinking ways. Plus it was Sunday. Double Duh. I still wanted skittles.
Monday
I REALLY wanted something sweet. Yoplait blueberry yogurt is ass.
Tuesday
My awesome neighbors came over and we watched bad tv (American Idol) with my roommate. They all enjoyed a lovely glass or two of cab sav--one of my favorite wines and I had some chamomile tea. I was a little angry with Jesus.
Wednesday
So I'm week in, and I think i will survive. I do believe that some wine would help my sinus headache, but I'll have to test that theory after Easter. After all I'm getting skinny for Jesus!
Disclaimer
Yes I was raised Catholic and still consider myself Catholic even though I don't agree with everything that the church thinks, but it's a nice hour of peace, and I know how to do everything--all the sitting, standing, kneeling. Every once in awhile I'm inspired by something the priest says, but lots of time I just meditate and stare at people. It's good for me, but don't worry--I will never try to get anyone to go to church with me and I'll never tell you what you should or shouldn't believe. Obviously I've lived in sin and some other things that seem somewhat un-Catholic like, but they still welcome me even after I had a lengthy discussion with the priest about how it doesn't seen sanitary for the entire congregation to ALL share a wine goblet. Even with the wipedowns. Yeah--I pass on Jesus' blood. Also-I've never done meth and I know I'd be a terrible meth head. The sudafed I take for my sinus headache gives me medicine head and I do not enjoy it.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Craigslist
I know it's not unique or original to cut and paste things from the interwebs onto my blog and call it "writing", but I'm in a weird place with my job situation and have been on a lot of cold medicine lately (seriously that's all). I'm spending a lot of time on craigslist trying to figure out some ways to make some $$ and I came across this. There are a variety of reasons why I wouldn't/shouldn't even consider this, but the biggest factor for me was the location. I can fake hot and young, but I can't fake the drive to the East Valley--wherever that is.
WANTED FUN/SEXY FEMALE MASSEUSE 4 UPSCALE POKER GAME (EAST VALLEY)
Reply to: gigs-1054202973@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-02-28, 8:40AM PST
Hiring an energetic, fun and sexy female masseuse for an upscale poker game.
Must be fun and outgoing, must be able to give a great chair massage.
Must be hot & young and know how to pull tips well off rich guys.
Work is at night and can be long hours. Need someone that can really give good massage and flirt a lot with the players.
Please send pics along with contact info and let me know if u have worked other poker games.
Location: EAST VALLEY
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
I mean if it's Pasadena I'll reconsider . . .my friend Liz lives there and maybe we could do it together? Afterall this is the year of change . . .
Thursday, February 26, 2009
My Gayz!
Every girl needs a posse of gays for survival. Whether it's for fashion influence, creative inspiration, day to day living, a guaranteed plus one--or love life advice. They are critical to success and I feel very fortunate to have so many amazing Gayz in my life. I'm not claiming to be a scientist or anything but there is absolutely an undeniable bond between women and gay men and if I didn't have these men in my life I shudder to think about what I'd be saying, wearing and possibly doing.
I have chosen to profile some of my Gayz and how they fit into my life. I am listing them alphabetically to minimize bitch fits. Coming soon to a store near you . . .Gayz action figures . . .
Allen is my Everyday Gay
Allen is my Everyday GAY because he has had the distinct privilege of living with me for the past 8 years. I'm pretty sure it's the longest relationship either one of us have ever been in. If you ask him how long we've lived together he'll say about 5 years, but it's been over 8. Allen is the perfect gay to live with as he's relatively low maintenance but he can also dispense fashion advice and kill bugs at the same time. There was a loose cricket in our home one night and I'm pretty sure I'm HIGHLY allergic to all bugs so he managed to "track" the beast while evaluating my outfit before a show. He looked at me and said "Show me something else", and I obliged. By the time I left my outfit was approved and the cricket was no longer with us. R.I.P. He manages to handle all these tasks while his iphone is blowing up with texts/calls, etc. from his many suitors. Usually they are Latino and they are almost all muy caliente. Allen is also the gay who can randomly fix dryers but will occasionally get a pedicure with me. I feel so lucky to live with him, and I know I couldn't survive the world without my Everyday Gay.
Craig is my Tricky Gay
Every now an then a gay enters your life and throws you for a loop. Craig is the tricky gay. He was "introduced" to me via email blast from Troy (see below) in a "HAPPY NEW YEAR I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND" message complete with pictures. Based on the email you would tend to think Craig was just a hot piece of arm candy with good arms, but oddly enough he is much much more. He's smart, funny, and has a lot of varied interests from modeling to editing to anthropology to law school. Really? He's also known for his gay trickery. He will often times try to convince me to do something that really is something else. Exhibit A--We had planned to meet for dinner at Pink Taco at Century City, and when I got there he also had a ticket for me to see Mamma Mia (the hideous movie version) after dinner. I hadn't agreed to see the movie, but somehow I gave him $12.50 and took the ticket. I then sat through one of the worst movies of the millennium (this one and the next) and when it was over I felt duped, tricked and maybe a little suspicious of his motives. Just when I think I know what will come next he mixes it up and I find myself doing some really weird things, often in the Valley, and they are usually orchestrated by Craig. He's the perfect teammate for various things such as game nights and Ravenchase adventures, but be wary of the Tricky Gay. He's more than arms.
James is my Crazy Gay
James is quite possibly the craziest person I have ever met. I've lived in LA for over 13 years and am pretty sure I've seen the most outrageous people the world has to offer and James would absolutely take first place. I worked in the same marketing department as James, just not as the same time. The stories about him were legendary and the more I heard the more I wanted to know him. It was practically love at first sight! I remember attending a birthday party for him in Orange County with Sumo wrestling contests in the backyard and his choreographed dance routines complete with Geisha costumes. I remember thinking "It's always worth the drive for James". He and I have commandeered a dance floor in a NYC club and I'm pretty sure we had everyone from the party people to the kitchen staff in awe. In a good way. I mean the club had BEDS . . .he still blames me for breaking his European lady glasses with that dance-off, but it's not true. He has worked for a variety of television shows and occasionally I'll get an email saying --'Hey check me out on Ellen or Bonnie Hunt today I'm dressed up like Jackie O.' I've never left an event that James attended without multiple stories. I usually drink a lot of diet coke to "get ready" to see James. And I usually need a sedative after. The world is MUCH more fun with James.
Jeff is my Back-up Gay
Every time a new good gay enters my world it's a very exciting time. I imagine it's like having a new puppy or child or something equally as adorable but that requires less maintenance. Jeff and I worked together and we became instant friends by exchanging eye rolls over the stained cubicle walls of a challenged cable network. He recently graduated from USC and after working for the Lakers he joined a misfit marketing department, and became one of my favorite lunch buddies and Facebook mentor. We can easily spend an entire lunch hour dissecting a text message and come up with the perfect response. He's redefines spaz with his penchant for leaving wallets, keys, sunglasses, etc. everywhere he visits and he often trips on imaginary garden gnomes. Jeff is my new favorite back-up gay because he can fill in for another gay if there is a need--like when T+C were out of town and I needed a hiking partner, or if we're both hurting in the am and we need to go on quick grease hunt together. He also shares his french fries (or I take them), and because he doesn't always finish them I provide a back-up service of sorts and do it for him. It's a give and take relationship and I respect that. His social calendar is VERY full with all sorts of Gossip Girl events, Survivor roundtables, and Lakers games, but he will make himself available. Just not for a comedy show. BAM!
Rick is my CrisisGay
Rick is my Crisis Gay because he can single handedly manage any crisis (big or small) and do it while preventing a meltdown of epic proportions. I met Rick years ago in Groundlings and he encouraged me to try stand-up. He was producing a comedy show and gave me a slot. In order to prevent my first onstage experience from being a total disaster we met a week before to run through my funnies. He was amazing and because of him I was able to get through my first set without pulling a Cindy Brady and freezing OR bursting into tears. Rick was also the sole reason I was able to get into my dress before the recent nuptials of T+C (www.troyandcraig.com). I was speaking at the wedding of the year and the event was "black tie fabulous". Rick, his husband Steve, and myself all had cocktails and got ready in my hotel room before the GAYla and I had a wardrobe malfunction when I tried to squeeze my head through the armhole of my dress instead of the actual opening for my head. I was trembling and seconds from tears and I asked him "Is it zipping up?" He calmed responded, "Not at the moment, but we're working on it". I managed to shimmy into it and Rick zipped me up BUT it wasn't right and we both knew it. I thought I'd gained 80 lbs. in 2 weeks, and Rick, sensing the tears and catastrophy looming took one look at the dress on me and suggested I had it on incorrectly. He calmly convinced me to try again and showed me how it should be worn. In turn I showed him more of me than he was probably trying to see, but ultimately he was 100% responsible for averting what could have been a bigger crisis than the collapse of the economy. Thank the Gay God for my Crisis Gay. He can also make magic on a trapeze. No joke.
Troy is my Power Gay
Troy is the ultimate Power Gay. He is in no way affiliated with the Gay Mafia that allegedly exists here in LA, but if they are real then they definitely know about him. He has a fancy job at Warner Bros. that has allowed him to meet many people and he adds everyone to his "CONTACTS" within minutes of meeting them. He plans grand events at fabulous venues all over the city, but I have seen him eat a sandwich from 7-11. He's the perfect person to call when you're crying b/c your birthday party reservation got completely messed up and you need a place for 50 people in 48 hours. He can often be seen with a headset and clipboard, but don't underestimate his power if he's only wielding an iphone. Troy is the Power Gay who will show up at your house when you have mono with a hair straightening rod, free month of Barry's Boot Camp card, and Spanx as gifts to make you feel better. Ultimately they do make you feel better but probably just not in that moment. Obviously my life would never be anywhere near as exciting or fancy if it wasn't for my Power Gay. Yeah my life is exciting and fancy. At times. Thanks Troy!
So mad love to all of the Gayz in my life and look out for My Gayz Pt. 2 next week (Brian, Ed, Sean, Ray, and MANY MANY more) . . .
I have chosen to profile some of my Gayz and how they fit into my life. I am listing them alphabetically to minimize bitch fits. Coming soon to a store near you . . .Gayz action figures . . .
Allen is my Everyday Gay
Allen is my Everyday GAY because he has had the distinct privilege of living with me for the past 8 years. I'm pretty sure it's the longest relationship either one of us have ever been in. If you ask him how long we've lived together he'll say about 5 years, but it's been over 8. Allen is the perfect gay to live with as he's relatively low maintenance but he can also dispense fashion advice and kill bugs at the same time. There was a loose cricket in our home one night and I'm pretty sure I'm HIGHLY allergic to all bugs so he managed to "track" the beast while evaluating my outfit before a show. He looked at me and said "Show me something else", and I obliged. By the time I left my outfit was approved and the cricket was no longer with us. R.I.P. He manages to handle all these tasks while his iphone is blowing up with texts/calls, etc. from his many suitors. Usually they are Latino and they are almost all muy caliente. Allen is also the gay who can randomly fix dryers but will occasionally get a pedicure with me. I feel so lucky to live with him, and I know I couldn't survive the world without my Everyday Gay.
Craig is my Tricky Gay
Every now an then a gay enters your life and throws you for a loop. Craig is the tricky gay. He was "introduced" to me via email blast from Troy (see below) in a "HAPPY NEW YEAR I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND" message complete with pictures. Based on the email you would tend to think Craig was just a hot piece of arm candy with good arms, but oddly enough he is much much more. He's smart, funny, and has a lot of varied interests from modeling to editing to anthropology to law school. Really? He's also known for his gay trickery. He will often times try to convince me to do something that really is something else. Exhibit A--We had planned to meet for dinner at Pink Taco at Century City, and when I got there he also had a ticket for me to see Mamma Mia (the hideous movie version) after dinner. I hadn't agreed to see the movie, but somehow I gave him $12.50 and took the ticket. I then sat through one of the worst movies of the millennium (this one and the next) and when it was over I felt duped, tricked and maybe a little suspicious of his motives. Just when I think I know what will come next he mixes it up and I find myself doing some really weird things, often in the Valley, and they are usually orchestrated by Craig. He's the perfect teammate for various things such as game nights and Ravenchase adventures, but be wary of the Tricky Gay. He's more than arms.
James is my Crazy Gay
James is quite possibly the craziest person I have ever met. I've lived in LA for over 13 years and am pretty sure I've seen the most outrageous people the world has to offer and James would absolutely take first place. I worked in the same marketing department as James, just not as the same time. The stories about him were legendary and the more I heard the more I wanted to know him. It was practically love at first sight! I remember attending a birthday party for him in Orange County with Sumo wrestling contests in the backyard and his choreographed dance routines complete with Geisha costumes. I remember thinking "It's always worth the drive for James". He and I have commandeered a dance floor in a NYC club and I'm pretty sure we had everyone from the party people to the kitchen staff in awe. In a good way. I mean the club had BEDS . . .he still blames me for breaking his European lady glasses with that dance-off, but it's not true. He has worked for a variety of television shows and occasionally I'll get an email saying --'Hey check me out on Ellen or Bonnie Hunt today I'm dressed up like Jackie O.' I've never left an event that James attended without multiple stories. I usually drink a lot of diet coke to "get ready" to see James. And I usually need a sedative after. The world is MUCH more fun with James.
Jeff is my Back-up Gay
Every time a new good gay enters my world it's a very exciting time. I imagine it's like having a new puppy or child or something equally as adorable but that requires less maintenance. Jeff and I worked together and we became instant friends by exchanging eye rolls over the stained cubicle walls of a challenged cable network. He recently graduated from USC and after working for the Lakers he joined a misfit marketing department, and became one of my favorite lunch buddies and Facebook mentor. We can easily spend an entire lunch hour dissecting a text message and come up with the perfect response. He's redefines spaz with his penchant for leaving wallets, keys, sunglasses, etc. everywhere he visits and he often trips on imaginary garden gnomes. Jeff is my new favorite back-up gay because he can fill in for another gay if there is a need--like when T+C were out of town and I needed a hiking partner, or if we're both hurting in the am and we need to go on quick grease hunt together. He also shares his french fries (or I take them), and because he doesn't always finish them I provide a back-up service of sorts and do it for him. It's a give and take relationship and I respect that. His social calendar is VERY full with all sorts of Gossip Girl events, Survivor roundtables, and Lakers games, but he will make himself available. Just not for a comedy show. BAM!
Rick is my CrisisGay
Rick is my Crisis Gay because he can single handedly manage any crisis (big or small) and do it while preventing a meltdown of epic proportions. I met Rick years ago in Groundlings and he encouraged me to try stand-up. He was producing a comedy show and gave me a slot. In order to prevent my first onstage experience from being a total disaster we met a week before to run through my funnies. He was amazing and because of him I was able to get through my first set without pulling a Cindy Brady and freezing OR bursting into tears. Rick was also the sole reason I was able to get into my dress before the recent nuptials of T+C (www.troyandcraig.com). I was speaking at the wedding of the year and the event was "black tie fabulous". Rick, his husband Steve, and myself all had cocktails and got ready in my hotel room before the GAYla and I had a wardrobe malfunction when I tried to squeeze my head through the armhole of my dress instead of the actual opening for my head. I was trembling and seconds from tears and I asked him "Is it zipping up?" He calmed responded, "Not at the moment, but we're working on it". I managed to shimmy into it and Rick zipped me up BUT it wasn't right and we both knew it. I thought I'd gained 80 lbs. in 2 weeks, and Rick, sensing the tears and catastrophy looming took one look at the dress on me and suggested I had it on incorrectly. He calmly convinced me to try again and showed me how it should be worn. In turn I showed him more of me than he was probably trying to see, but ultimately he was 100% responsible for averting what could have been a bigger crisis than the collapse of the economy. Thank the Gay God for my Crisis Gay. He can also make magic on a trapeze. No joke.
Troy is my Power Gay
Troy is the ultimate Power Gay. He is in no way affiliated with the Gay Mafia that allegedly exists here in LA, but if they are real then they definitely know about him. He has a fancy job at Warner Bros. that has allowed him to meet many people and he adds everyone to his "CONTACTS" within minutes of meeting them. He plans grand events at fabulous venues all over the city, but I have seen him eat a sandwich from 7-11. He's the perfect person to call when you're crying b/c your birthday party reservation got completely messed up and you need a place for 50 people in 48 hours. He can often be seen with a headset and clipboard, but don't underestimate his power if he's only wielding an iphone. Troy is the Power Gay who will show up at your house when you have mono with a hair straightening rod, free month of Barry's Boot Camp card, and Spanx as gifts to make you feel better. Ultimately they do make you feel better but probably just not in that moment. Obviously my life would never be anywhere near as exciting or fancy if it wasn't for my Power Gay. Yeah my life is exciting and fancy. At times. Thanks Troy!
So mad love to all of the Gayz in my life and look out for My Gayz Pt. 2 next week (Brian, Ed, Sean, Ray, and MANY MANY more) . . .
Friday, August 08, 2008
Dear John Edwards . . .
Dear John,
You suck. I didn't want to believe it, but when you release your own "I'm a cheater" statement it's pretty much confirmed. How is it even possible that you could cheat on your seemingly amazing wife? Ugh. And now we get to watch you talk about the affair in an interview on ABC? Oh awesome. What's next? Are you gonna launch a handbag line and a fragrance too? Or pimp a book? You suck--you redefined politcal asshole--and I thought Cheney had the market covered. Ok--well he still wins, but you might as well be a Republican because you are making it so easy to hate you.
You may not have invented the internet (Thanks Al Gore) but you're savvy enough to know that in this day and age if you're a politician, celebrity, quasi-celebrity, athlete, Nikki Blonsky, overweight cat in Jersey, reality show whore, etc. your business is about to be public. Doesn't matter how discreet you think you are being (and a baby is not discreet), it's gonna come out. Oh right--the "timing" doesn't work out for you to be the baby's father. I totally believe you too. I mean I pretty much believe anything you say.
I hope your wife doesn't stand by your side--I hope she does her own interview that says "Can you believe what a GIANT JACKASS my husband is?" AND then I'll buy her book, handbag, clothing line, perfume, whatever!
I mean seriously-who DOES that? Next time bust your own nut.
Amy
You suck. I didn't want to believe it, but when you release your own "I'm a cheater" statement it's pretty much confirmed. How is it even possible that you could cheat on your seemingly amazing wife? Ugh. And now we get to watch you talk about the affair in an interview on ABC? Oh awesome. What's next? Are you gonna launch a handbag line and a fragrance too? Or pimp a book? You suck--you redefined politcal asshole--and I thought Cheney had the market covered. Ok--well he still wins, but you might as well be a Republican because you are making it so easy to hate you.
You may not have invented the internet (Thanks Al Gore) but you're savvy enough to know that in this day and age if you're a politician, celebrity, quasi-celebrity, athlete, Nikki Blonsky, overweight cat in Jersey, reality show whore, etc. your business is about to be public. Doesn't matter how discreet you think you are being (and a baby is not discreet), it's gonna come out. Oh right--the "timing" doesn't work out for you to be the baby's father. I totally believe you too. I mean I pretty much believe anything you say.
I hope your wife doesn't stand by your side--I hope she does her own interview that says "Can you believe what a GIANT JACKASS my husband is?" AND then I'll buy her book, handbag, clothing line, perfume, whatever!
I mean seriously-who DOES that? Next time bust your own nut.
Amy
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Surgery of the Year-Troy Williams had a hernia . . .
Um where to begin? My name is Amy and I am Troy Williams’ executive asst., driver, guardian, etc. for the day as he undergoes hernia surgery. Here is my story.
I’ll use a timeline to document the festivities.
6/09/08; Troy calls to inform me he is having hernia surgery and wants to know if I can be a back-up plus one for the date-6/20/08. I tell him I have a wedding in Iowa and won’t be in town. I breathe a giant sigh of relief. The airfare has already been purchased.
6/16/08; I tell Troy that due to the massive flooding in Iowa I will not be going there this weekend as planned. Troy is thrilled because now I can be his plus one for the surgery. Craig is even more thrilled because he doesn’t have to create any more fake stories about his “office server being back up and now he has to work double or something”. Oh yeah, and Troy is sad about the flooding in Iowa. He hadn’t heard, but it sounds bad.
6/18/08: Troy confirms my availability for the “Surgery of the Year” and then lets me know that I can dress ‘casual, comfy’. He informs me that he will be wearing sweats. I had no idea that there would be a dress code for me, but then again I’d never taken Troy to have surgery before. I actually start thinking about what I will wear. . .
6/19/08; Troy confirms (again) that I’ll be picking him up on Friday. I try to change the time (earlier) and he freaks out and nixes it. I’m also reminded that he will not be able to eat after midnight on Thursday so he might be hungry when I pick him up on Friday morning. I flashback to a moment at Sundance 2005 when he had the meltdown of the decade because he was not properly nourished. I panic and try to convince Craig to quit his job so he’s free on Friday. Craig doesn’t return the 84 messages I leave for him.
6/20/08: 7:30am--I arrive at Troy’s condo at the appropriate time. He is not wearing a headset, but there is a surgery binder, so this is to be taken seriously. Evidently Craig stays there too . . . Troy is in sweats (as promised) and a polo shirt (it might be Cherokee-don’t tell) and after receiving my “SURGERY OF THE YEAR THANK YOU GIFT" we take off. We take Coldwater to the 101 and along the way Troy notices a park that might be perfect for some wedding something or other event . . .I tune out because I’m trying to focus on driving. Really. He also mentions that maybe we’ll catch a movie after his surgery. I tell him he’ll probably want to just go home and sleep and I'll never see Love Guru. Even on a plane. ☺
8:15am-We pass the hospital in Woodland Hills because we are busy looking at the nail salon I could go to, and my options for decent food, and because well we’ve never been near here and are both mesmerized by this crazy area called "The Valley". Troy is also convinced we are near where they filmed much of Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. I don’t argue—he’s probably right, but then I panic about possibly running into Joe Simpson at the nail salon and immediately nix the mani/pedi idea. We realize we must have missed the hospital because there is nothing but nice big houses and so Troy calls the hospital for directions. He doesn’t get thru right away (do they not know who he is?) I suggest we kick it old school and use the address as a “clue”. We laugh at how funny I am, and how obviously pedestrian that seems. We find the hospital. Troy also learns that not all cars have GPS. He had no idea.
8:30am-We arrive. On time. Troy is on time for his own surgery. It’s because I drove. But it’s great to start off SURGERY OF THE YEAR DAY with a tiny miracle. We start snapping pictures to document the fun. Troy poses by a fountain. I’m not shocked at all, but the people walking by seem to be. We then enter the hospital and he starts the check-in process. We snap a few more pics until we’re reprimanded by the front desk “woman” who clearly would be a great addition to any company softball team. We’re not allowed to take any more pictures while we’re there—we nod our heads and I take a few steps back—mainly out of fear. After all she has more tatts than Tommy Lee and Tupac combined, PLUS an MLB team watch. Troy claims it was the Mets, but I had backed away by then and I tend not to trust Troy's "sports knowledge" too often. Little does she know we’ll be snapping pics all day long—as soon as we’re out of her sight.
8:30-8:45am--Troy and I make our way to the designated patient area and we are completely distracted because the hospital is something between an old school Planet Hollywood/Hard Rock and a nursing home. Troy also mentions that he wishes he'd brought his lavender spray because the hospital smells . . .We also notice the Elvis Presley gold records on the wall and I wonder if this place is a free museum on Tuesdays. With the exception of the staff and one awkward teen volunteer we are by far the youngest people in this hospital. By decades.
8:45am-Troy is escorted to his “own room” where his vitals are taken and he puts on his gown. He has a minor bitch fit because there is only a wire hanger for his sweatpants. He also asks the nurse when he’ll be able to eat. They tell him maybe after they surgery and they have food, so Troy tries to pre-order a turkey sandwich, but the nurse tells him it might be better to wait and see how he feels. Troy then asks about nearby restaurants and she tells him he will probably just want to go home after. She asks him if he’s had surgery before and he says yes, he had his wisdom teeth out at 17 and had Lasik. I tell him he has not had surgery. His iphone rings and the nurse takes it from the counter and gives it to him. Troy falls in love with the nurse. He loves having a 2nd assistant. I start treating her like crap. She takes the rest of his vitals and leaves. Her job, not mine. I'm the 1st asst. Troy then proceeds to get trapped in the bathroom as the sliding door has gotten stuck. I’m laughing so hard I am not able to help him, but I do manage to snap a pic of him.
9:15am-Troy is “wheeled” down to surgery. He introduces us to the aide who wheels him and assures him we are the funnest patient/friend combo he’ll see today.
Troy also mentions that he’s going for an A+ patient report. Somehow he does not bring up the wedding and I’m starting to get worried. We say our goodbyes in the surgery hallway and I head to the waiting room. Golden Girls is on the television. I wish I could make this up. I walk down to the cafeteria and realize that I am still not able to eat in a hospital. I head to the deli across the street for a delicious bagel. I would put money on the fact that the dude next to me is named Saul.
9:45am-11:29am—I sit in the waiting room reading and people watching. I’m reminded that I don’t do well around elderly people. I wish I did, but it is not a skill I possess. I text Craig every update. He ignores half of them. I don’t blame him. I have to use the ladies room but fear I will miss the doctor. If I pee in the waiting room I will just blame it on the old people.
11:30am-I inquire at the desk if Troy Williams is out of surgery yet. According to the schedule, he should have gone in at 10:30 and be done by 11:30. AND since he went in early (they were ahead of schedule), he might be out early. And well since I’m Troy’s friend I know how he probably reorganized the surgery schedule to make sure he was taken in on time. The woman at the desk calls the surgery area and informs them that Mrs. Williams is checking on her son. For whatever reason I don’t correct her. I am told the doctor will be out soon to speak with me. I run to the restroom and then back to my chair. Will and Grace is now on. I’m becoming a little worried about the elderly dude next to the tv. He either sleeps a lot or is slipping in and out of little comas. I curse Craig.
11:42am; Dr. Philip Biderman comes into the waiting room to tell me that the surgery went well and Troy is doing fine. He will be in recovery for an hour and then back up to his room. I ask if he was a diva, and he said “not too bad”. Evidently with the number of aging stars here, they have seen it all.
11:55 Aunt Bobbie calls to check on Troy. I take the call in the waiting room because evidently that is acceptable here. The other people in the waiting room don't even realize what a cell phone is. Weird. And then a cart is wheeled by me with two coolers on it that indicate some type of body part/liquid is inside. I am reminded again why I cannot eat anything in hospital. I have the weakest stomach possible. Have I mentioned how I threw up during Spy Kids’ 3 D. Oh wait—this is about Troy, not me.
12:30: Troy is wheeled back up to his room and while he nurse is adjusting him onto the bed I end up seeing Troy’s junk. WOW. In his defrense, his junk was still under anesthesia. Upon reflection I’m pretty sure the nurse thought that we had a different relationship than we actually have. She made a reference about Troy’s girlfriend, but technically I am a girl and his friend so whatever. No reason to break it down any further for her.
12:31-4pm: Troy recouperates in his room. This involves 1.5 turkey sandwiches, 2 cranberry grape drinks, part of an apple, water, skittles, my peanut M&M’s, a lot of gas, a fan being brought in to help his overheating problem, My Super Sweet 16 on MTV, America’s Best Dance Crew hosted by Mario Lopez on MTV, a trip to the restroom to vomit (Troy not me), Troy wondering how soon he can eat spaghetti, me watching Troy vomit while his entire gown was open in the back, laughing at Troy, 4 trips to the nurses’ station (me), 2 trips to the pharmacy (me), and a confused elderly women two doors down who cried "BILLY" and "HELP ME" for nearly 3 hours. After a lot of thinking, we decided she was calling out to Billy Wilder. After all this hospital is where aging stars go . . .
4:01pm: Troy signs his release paperwork and is wheeled out. I stop one more time at the pharmacy (I am now a regular) and get him bottled water and peanut M&M's (for later he says). I go get the car while he waits with the nurse in the front lobby. I contemplate heading south solo and leaving the rest of the day in the hands of the 2nd, but decide against it. I'll be cut from the wedding list and I'll have to return my thank you gift. I reconsider for a moment and then drive back around to help Troy into the car. I can't help but notice that Troy sitting in a hospital lobby dressed in all black with his Prada sunglasses to a backdrop of like 100 old people is A) hilarious B) surreal and C) Craig's future.
4:01-4:45pm: I drive Troy back home and while he has the majority of the a/c focused on him I am sweating in the drivers seat. Not a problem, Craig will be there when I get him back and home and then I'll be released. We call Craig and he finally answers his phone. He has to stay at the office a little late, and I mentally plot his destruction.
4:45pm-7pm: We arrive at Casa del Troy (and Craig Williams) and I get him up into his place, safely on the couch, and I head out to Gelson's. I have eaten a bagel and a few peanut M&M's and am nearly ready to eat a small animal I'm so hungry. I get his supply of cran-apple juice, some dulcolax (Troy's not mine), and a salad for myself. I head back to Troy's place and lay on the floor waiting for Craig to resurface.
7:01pm: Craig shows up--I think he's been at a happy hour. Troy starts demanding spaghetti. I steal some of Troy's vicodin and make a quick exit.
Footnote: I slept for 12 hours on Friday night. Take that Craig Joseph Fields Williams Felton! :)
I’ll use a timeline to document the festivities.
6/09/08; Troy calls to inform me he is having hernia surgery and wants to know if I can be a back-up plus one for the date-6/20/08. I tell him I have a wedding in Iowa and won’t be in town. I breathe a giant sigh of relief. The airfare has already been purchased.
6/16/08; I tell Troy that due to the massive flooding in Iowa I will not be going there this weekend as planned. Troy is thrilled because now I can be his plus one for the surgery. Craig is even more thrilled because he doesn’t have to create any more fake stories about his “office server being back up and now he has to work double or something”. Oh yeah, and Troy is sad about the flooding in Iowa. He hadn’t heard, but it sounds bad.
6/18/08: Troy confirms my availability for the “Surgery of the Year” and then lets me know that I can dress ‘casual, comfy’. He informs me that he will be wearing sweats. I had no idea that there would be a dress code for me, but then again I’d never taken Troy to have surgery before. I actually start thinking about what I will wear. . .
6/19/08; Troy confirms (again) that I’ll be picking him up on Friday. I try to change the time (earlier) and he freaks out and nixes it. I’m also reminded that he will not be able to eat after midnight on Thursday so he might be hungry when I pick him up on Friday morning. I flashback to a moment at Sundance 2005 when he had the meltdown of the decade because he was not properly nourished. I panic and try to convince Craig to quit his job so he’s free on Friday. Craig doesn’t return the 84 messages I leave for him.
6/20/08: 7:30am--I arrive at Troy’s condo at the appropriate time. He is not wearing a headset, but there is a surgery binder, so this is to be taken seriously. Evidently Craig stays there too . . . Troy is in sweats (as promised) and a polo shirt (it might be Cherokee-don’t tell) and after receiving my “SURGERY OF THE YEAR THANK YOU GIFT" we take off. We take Coldwater to the 101 and along the way Troy notices a park that might be perfect for some wedding something or other event . . .I tune out because I’m trying to focus on driving. Really. He also mentions that maybe we’ll catch a movie after his surgery. I tell him he’ll probably want to just go home and sleep and I'll never see Love Guru. Even on a plane. ☺
8:15am-We pass the hospital in Woodland Hills because we are busy looking at the nail salon I could go to, and my options for decent food, and because well we’ve never been near here and are both mesmerized by this crazy area called "The Valley". Troy is also convinced we are near where they filmed much of Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. I don’t argue—he’s probably right, but then I panic about possibly running into Joe Simpson at the nail salon and immediately nix the mani/pedi idea. We realize we must have missed the hospital because there is nothing but nice big houses and so Troy calls the hospital for directions. He doesn’t get thru right away (do they not know who he is?) I suggest we kick it old school and use the address as a “clue”. We laugh at how funny I am, and how obviously pedestrian that seems. We find the hospital. Troy also learns that not all cars have GPS. He had no idea.
8:30am-We arrive. On time. Troy is on time for his own surgery. It’s because I drove. But it’s great to start off SURGERY OF THE YEAR DAY with a tiny miracle. We start snapping pictures to document the fun. Troy poses by a fountain. I’m not shocked at all, but the people walking by seem to be. We then enter the hospital and he starts the check-in process. We snap a few more pics until we’re reprimanded by the front desk “woman” who clearly would be a great addition to any company softball team. We’re not allowed to take any more pictures while we’re there—we nod our heads and I take a few steps back—mainly out of fear. After all she has more tatts than Tommy Lee and Tupac combined, PLUS an MLB team watch. Troy claims it was the Mets, but I had backed away by then and I tend not to trust Troy's "sports knowledge" too often. Little does she know we’ll be snapping pics all day long—as soon as we’re out of her sight.
8:30-8:45am--Troy and I make our way to the designated patient area and we are completely distracted because the hospital is something between an old school Planet Hollywood/Hard Rock and a nursing home. Troy also mentions that he wishes he'd brought his lavender spray because the hospital smells . . .We also notice the Elvis Presley gold records on the wall and I wonder if this place is a free museum on Tuesdays. With the exception of the staff and one awkward teen volunteer we are by far the youngest people in this hospital. By decades.
8:45am-Troy is escorted to his “own room” where his vitals are taken and he puts on his gown. He has a minor bitch fit because there is only a wire hanger for his sweatpants. He also asks the nurse when he’ll be able to eat. They tell him maybe after they surgery and they have food, so Troy tries to pre-order a turkey sandwich, but the nurse tells him it might be better to wait and see how he feels. Troy then asks about nearby restaurants and she tells him he will probably just want to go home after. She asks him if he’s had surgery before and he says yes, he had his wisdom teeth out at 17 and had Lasik. I tell him he has not had surgery. His iphone rings and the nurse takes it from the counter and gives it to him. Troy falls in love with the nurse. He loves having a 2nd assistant. I start treating her like crap. She takes the rest of his vitals and leaves. Her job, not mine. I'm the 1st asst. Troy then proceeds to get trapped in the bathroom as the sliding door has gotten stuck. I’m laughing so hard I am not able to help him, but I do manage to snap a pic of him.
9:15am-Troy is “wheeled” down to surgery. He introduces us to the aide who wheels him and assures him we are the funnest patient/friend combo he’ll see today.
Troy also mentions that he’s going for an A+ patient report. Somehow he does not bring up the wedding and I’m starting to get worried. We say our goodbyes in the surgery hallway and I head to the waiting room. Golden Girls is on the television. I wish I could make this up. I walk down to the cafeteria and realize that I am still not able to eat in a hospital. I head to the deli across the street for a delicious bagel. I would put money on the fact that the dude next to me is named Saul.
9:45am-11:29am—I sit in the waiting room reading and people watching. I’m reminded that I don’t do well around elderly people. I wish I did, but it is not a skill I possess. I text Craig every update. He ignores half of them. I don’t blame him. I have to use the ladies room but fear I will miss the doctor. If I pee in the waiting room I will just blame it on the old people.
11:30am-I inquire at the desk if Troy Williams is out of surgery yet. According to the schedule, he should have gone in at 10:30 and be done by 11:30. AND since he went in early (they were ahead of schedule), he might be out early. And well since I’m Troy’s friend I know how he probably reorganized the surgery schedule to make sure he was taken in on time. The woman at the desk calls the surgery area and informs them that Mrs. Williams is checking on her son. For whatever reason I don’t correct her. I am told the doctor will be out soon to speak with me. I run to the restroom and then back to my chair. Will and Grace is now on. I’m becoming a little worried about the elderly dude next to the tv. He either sleeps a lot or is slipping in and out of little comas. I curse Craig.
11:42am; Dr. Philip Biderman comes into the waiting room to tell me that the surgery went well and Troy is doing fine. He will be in recovery for an hour and then back up to his room. I ask if he was a diva, and he said “not too bad”. Evidently with the number of aging stars here, they have seen it all.
11:55 Aunt Bobbie calls to check on Troy. I take the call in the waiting room because evidently that is acceptable here. The other people in the waiting room don't even realize what a cell phone is. Weird. And then a cart is wheeled by me with two coolers on it that indicate some type of body part/liquid is inside. I am reminded again why I cannot eat anything in hospital. I have the weakest stomach possible. Have I mentioned how I threw up during Spy Kids’ 3 D. Oh wait—this is about Troy, not me.
12:30: Troy is wheeled back up to his room and while he nurse is adjusting him onto the bed I end up seeing Troy’s junk. WOW. In his defrense, his junk was still under anesthesia. Upon reflection I’m pretty sure the nurse thought that we had a different relationship than we actually have. She made a reference about Troy’s girlfriend, but technically I am a girl and his friend so whatever. No reason to break it down any further for her.
12:31-4pm: Troy recouperates in his room. This involves 1.5 turkey sandwiches, 2 cranberry grape drinks, part of an apple, water, skittles, my peanut M&M’s, a lot of gas, a fan being brought in to help his overheating problem, My Super Sweet 16 on MTV, America’s Best Dance Crew hosted by Mario Lopez on MTV, a trip to the restroom to vomit (Troy not me), Troy wondering how soon he can eat spaghetti, me watching Troy vomit while his entire gown was open in the back, laughing at Troy, 4 trips to the nurses’ station (me), 2 trips to the pharmacy (me), and a confused elderly women two doors down who cried "BILLY" and "HELP ME" for nearly 3 hours. After a lot of thinking, we decided she was calling out to Billy Wilder. After all this hospital is where aging stars go . . .
4:01pm: Troy signs his release paperwork and is wheeled out. I stop one more time at the pharmacy (I am now a regular) and get him bottled water and peanut M&M's (for later he says). I go get the car while he waits with the nurse in the front lobby. I contemplate heading south solo and leaving the rest of the day in the hands of the 2nd, but decide against it. I'll be cut from the wedding list and I'll have to return my thank you gift. I reconsider for a moment and then drive back around to help Troy into the car. I can't help but notice that Troy sitting in a hospital lobby dressed in all black with his Prada sunglasses to a backdrop of like 100 old people is A) hilarious B) surreal and C) Craig's future.
4:01-4:45pm: I drive Troy back home and while he has the majority of the a/c focused on him I am sweating in the drivers seat. Not a problem, Craig will be there when I get him back and home and then I'll be released. We call Craig and he finally answers his phone. He has to stay at the office a little late, and I mentally plot his destruction.
4:45pm-7pm: We arrive at Casa del Troy (and Craig Williams) and I get him up into his place, safely on the couch, and I head out to Gelson's. I have eaten a bagel and a few peanut M&M's and am nearly ready to eat a small animal I'm so hungry. I get his supply of cran-apple juice, some dulcolax (Troy's not mine), and a salad for myself. I head back to Troy's place and lay on the floor waiting for Craig to resurface.
7:01pm: Craig shows up--I think he's been at a happy hour. Troy starts demanding spaghetti. I steal some of Troy's vicodin and make a quick exit.
Footnote: I slept for 12 hours on Friday night. Take that Craig Joseph Fields Williams Felton! :)
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