Dear John,
You suck. I didn't want to believe it, but when you release your own "I'm a cheater" statement it's pretty much confirmed. How is it even possible that you could cheat on your seemingly amazing wife? Ugh. And now we get to watch you talk about the affair in an interview on ABC? Oh awesome. What's next? Are you gonna launch a handbag line and a fragrance too? Or pimp a book? You suck--you redefined politcal asshole--and I thought Cheney had the market covered. Ok--well he still wins, but you might as well be a Republican because you are making it so easy to hate you.
You may not have invented the internet (Thanks Al Gore) but you're savvy enough to know that in this day and age if you're a politician, celebrity, quasi-celebrity, athlete, Nikki Blonsky, overweight cat in Jersey, reality show whore, etc. your business is about to be public. Doesn't matter how discreet you think you are being (and a baby is not discreet), it's gonna come out. Oh right--the "timing" doesn't work out for you to be the baby's father. I totally believe you too. I mean I pretty much believe anything you say.
I hope your wife doesn't stand by your side--I hope she does her own interview that says "Can you believe what a GIANT JACKASS my husband is?" AND then I'll buy her book, handbag, clothing line, perfume, whatever!
I mean seriously-who DOES that? Next time bust your own nut.
Amy
Friday, August 08, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Surgery of the Year-Troy Williams had a hernia . . .
Um where to begin? My name is Amy and I am Troy Williams’ executive asst., driver, guardian, etc. for the day as he undergoes hernia surgery. Here is my story.
I’ll use a timeline to document the festivities.
6/09/08; Troy calls to inform me he is having hernia surgery and wants to know if I can be a back-up plus one for the date-6/20/08. I tell him I have a wedding in Iowa and won’t be in town. I breathe a giant sigh of relief. The airfare has already been purchased.
6/16/08; I tell Troy that due to the massive flooding in Iowa I will not be going there this weekend as planned. Troy is thrilled because now I can be his plus one for the surgery. Craig is even more thrilled because he doesn’t have to create any more fake stories about his “office server being back up and now he has to work double or something”. Oh yeah, and Troy is sad about the flooding in Iowa. He hadn’t heard, but it sounds bad.
6/18/08: Troy confirms my availability for the “Surgery of the Year” and then lets me know that I can dress ‘casual, comfy’. He informs me that he will be wearing sweats. I had no idea that there would be a dress code for me, but then again I’d never taken Troy to have surgery before. I actually start thinking about what I will wear. . .
6/19/08; Troy confirms (again) that I’ll be picking him up on Friday. I try to change the time (earlier) and he freaks out and nixes it. I’m also reminded that he will not be able to eat after midnight on Thursday so he might be hungry when I pick him up on Friday morning. I flashback to a moment at Sundance 2005 when he had the meltdown of the decade because he was not properly nourished. I panic and try to convince Craig to quit his job so he’s free on Friday. Craig doesn’t return the 84 messages I leave for him.
6/20/08: 7:30am--I arrive at Troy’s condo at the appropriate time. He is not wearing a headset, but there is a surgery binder, so this is to be taken seriously. Evidently Craig stays there too . . . Troy is in sweats (as promised) and a polo shirt (it might be Cherokee-don’t tell) and after receiving my “SURGERY OF THE YEAR THANK YOU GIFT" we take off. We take Coldwater to the 101 and along the way Troy notices a park that might be perfect for some wedding something or other event . . .I tune out because I’m trying to focus on driving. Really. He also mentions that maybe we’ll catch a movie after his surgery. I tell him he’ll probably want to just go home and sleep and I'll never see Love Guru. Even on a plane. ☺
8:15am-We pass the hospital in Woodland Hills because we are busy looking at the nail salon I could go to, and my options for decent food, and because well we’ve never been near here and are both mesmerized by this crazy area called "The Valley". Troy is also convinced we are near where they filmed much of Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. I don’t argue—he’s probably right, but then I panic about possibly running into Joe Simpson at the nail salon and immediately nix the mani/pedi idea. We realize we must have missed the hospital because there is nothing but nice big houses and so Troy calls the hospital for directions. He doesn’t get thru right away (do they not know who he is?) I suggest we kick it old school and use the address as a “clue”. We laugh at how funny I am, and how obviously pedestrian that seems. We find the hospital. Troy also learns that not all cars have GPS. He had no idea.
8:30am-We arrive. On time. Troy is on time for his own surgery. It’s because I drove. But it’s great to start off SURGERY OF THE YEAR DAY with a tiny miracle. We start snapping pictures to document the fun. Troy poses by a fountain. I’m not shocked at all, but the people walking by seem to be. We then enter the hospital and he starts the check-in process. We snap a few more pics until we’re reprimanded by the front desk “woman” who clearly would be a great addition to any company softball team. We’re not allowed to take any more pictures while we’re there—we nod our heads and I take a few steps back—mainly out of fear. After all she has more tatts than Tommy Lee and Tupac combined, PLUS an MLB team watch. Troy claims it was the Mets, but I had backed away by then and I tend not to trust Troy's "sports knowledge" too often. Little does she know we’ll be snapping pics all day long—as soon as we’re out of her sight.
8:30-8:45am--Troy and I make our way to the designated patient area and we are completely distracted because the hospital is something between an old school Planet Hollywood/Hard Rock and a nursing home. Troy also mentions that he wishes he'd brought his lavender spray because the hospital smells . . .We also notice the Elvis Presley gold records on the wall and I wonder if this place is a free museum on Tuesdays. With the exception of the staff and one awkward teen volunteer we are by far the youngest people in this hospital. By decades.
8:45am-Troy is escorted to his “own room” where his vitals are taken and he puts on his gown. He has a minor bitch fit because there is only a wire hanger for his sweatpants. He also asks the nurse when he’ll be able to eat. They tell him maybe after they surgery and they have food, so Troy tries to pre-order a turkey sandwich, but the nurse tells him it might be better to wait and see how he feels. Troy then asks about nearby restaurants and she tells him he will probably just want to go home after. She asks him if he’s had surgery before and he says yes, he had his wisdom teeth out at 17 and had Lasik. I tell him he has not had surgery. His iphone rings and the nurse takes it from the counter and gives it to him. Troy falls in love with the nurse. He loves having a 2nd assistant. I start treating her like crap. She takes the rest of his vitals and leaves. Her job, not mine. I'm the 1st asst. Troy then proceeds to get trapped in the bathroom as the sliding door has gotten stuck. I’m laughing so hard I am not able to help him, but I do manage to snap a pic of him.
9:15am-Troy is “wheeled” down to surgery. He introduces us to the aide who wheels him and assures him we are the funnest patient/friend combo he’ll see today.
Troy also mentions that he’s going for an A+ patient report. Somehow he does not bring up the wedding and I’m starting to get worried. We say our goodbyes in the surgery hallway and I head to the waiting room. Golden Girls is on the television. I wish I could make this up. I walk down to the cafeteria and realize that I am still not able to eat in a hospital. I head to the deli across the street for a delicious bagel. I would put money on the fact that the dude next to me is named Saul.
9:45am-11:29am—I sit in the waiting room reading and people watching. I’m reminded that I don’t do well around elderly people. I wish I did, but it is not a skill I possess. I text Craig every update. He ignores half of them. I don’t blame him. I have to use the ladies room but fear I will miss the doctor. If I pee in the waiting room I will just blame it on the old people.
11:30am-I inquire at the desk if Troy Williams is out of surgery yet. According to the schedule, he should have gone in at 10:30 and be done by 11:30. AND since he went in early (they were ahead of schedule), he might be out early. And well since I’m Troy’s friend I know how he probably reorganized the surgery schedule to make sure he was taken in on time. The woman at the desk calls the surgery area and informs them that Mrs. Williams is checking on her son. For whatever reason I don’t correct her. I am told the doctor will be out soon to speak with me. I run to the restroom and then back to my chair. Will and Grace is now on. I’m becoming a little worried about the elderly dude next to the tv. He either sleeps a lot or is slipping in and out of little comas. I curse Craig.
11:42am; Dr. Philip Biderman comes into the waiting room to tell me that the surgery went well and Troy is doing fine. He will be in recovery for an hour and then back up to his room. I ask if he was a diva, and he said “not too bad”. Evidently with the number of aging stars here, they have seen it all.
11:55 Aunt Bobbie calls to check on Troy. I take the call in the waiting room because evidently that is acceptable here. The other people in the waiting room don't even realize what a cell phone is. Weird. And then a cart is wheeled by me with two coolers on it that indicate some type of body part/liquid is inside. I am reminded again why I cannot eat anything in hospital. I have the weakest stomach possible. Have I mentioned how I threw up during Spy Kids’ 3 D. Oh wait—this is about Troy, not me.
12:30: Troy is wheeled back up to his room and while he nurse is adjusting him onto the bed I end up seeing Troy’s junk. WOW. In his defrense, his junk was still under anesthesia. Upon reflection I’m pretty sure the nurse thought that we had a different relationship than we actually have. She made a reference about Troy’s girlfriend, but technically I am a girl and his friend so whatever. No reason to break it down any further for her.
12:31-4pm: Troy recouperates in his room. This involves 1.5 turkey sandwiches, 2 cranberry grape drinks, part of an apple, water, skittles, my peanut M&M’s, a lot of gas, a fan being brought in to help his overheating problem, My Super Sweet 16 on MTV, America’s Best Dance Crew hosted by Mario Lopez on MTV, a trip to the restroom to vomit (Troy not me), Troy wondering how soon he can eat spaghetti, me watching Troy vomit while his entire gown was open in the back, laughing at Troy, 4 trips to the nurses’ station (me), 2 trips to the pharmacy (me), and a confused elderly women two doors down who cried "BILLY" and "HELP ME" for nearly 3 hours. After a lot of thinking, we decided she was calling out to Billy Wilder. After all this hospital is where aging stars go . . .
4:01pm: Troy signs his release paperwork and is wheeled out. I stop one more time at the pharmacy (I am now a regular) and get him bottled water and peanut M&M's (for later he says). I go get the car while he waits with the nurse in the front lobby. I contemplate heading south solo and leaving the rest of the day in the hands of the 2nd, but decide against it. I'll be cut from the wedding list and I'll have to return my thank you gift. I reconsider for a moment and then drive back around to help Troy into the car. I can't help but notice that Troy sitting in a hospital lobby dressed in all black with his Prada sunglasses to a backdrop of like 100 old people is A) hilarious B) surreal and C) Craig's future.
4:01-4:45pm: I drive Troy back home and while he has the majority of the a/c focused on him I am sweating in the drivers seat. Not a problem, Craig will be there when I get him back and home and then I'll be released. We call Craig and he finally answers his phone. He has to stay at the office a little late, and I mentally plot his destruction.
4:45pm-7pm: We arrive at Casa del Troy (and Craig Williams) and I get him up into his place, safely on the couch, and I head out to Gelson's. I have eaten a bagel and a few peanut M&M's and am nearly ready to eat a small animal I'm so hungry. I get his supply of cran-apple juice, some dulcolax (Troy's not mine), and a salad for myself. I head back to Troy's place and lay on the floor waiting for Craig to resurface.
7:01pm: Craig shows up--I think he's been at a happy hour. Troy starts demanding spaghetti. I steal some of Troy's vicodin and make a quick exit.
Footnote: I slept for 12 hours on Friday night. Take that Craig Joseph Fields Williams Felton! :)
I’ll use a timeline to document the festivities.
6/09/08; Troy calls to inform me he is having hernia surgery and wants to know if I can be a back-up plus one for the date-6/20/08. I tell him I have a wedding in Iowa and won’t be in town. I breathe a giant sigh of relief. The airfare has already been purchased.
6/16/08; I tell Troy that due to the massive flooding in Iowa I will not be going there this weekend as planned. Troy is thrilled because now I can be his plus one for the surgery. Craig is even more thrilled because he doesn’t have to create any more fake stories about his “office server being back up and now he has to work double or something”. Oh yeah, and Troy is sad about the flooding in Iowa. He hadn’t heard, but it sounds bad.
6/18/08: Troy confirms my availability for the “Surgery of the Year” and then lets me know that I can dress ‘casual, comfy’. He informs me that he will be wearing sweats. I had no idea that there would be a dress code for me, but then again I’d never taken Troy to have surgery before. I actually start thinking about what I will wear. . .
6/19/08; Troy confirms (again) that I’ll be picking him up on Friday. I try to change the time (earlier) and he freaks out and nixes it. I’m also reminded that he will not be able to eat after midnight on Thursday so he might be hungry when I pick him up on Friday morning. I flashback to a moment at Sundance 2005 when he had the meltdown of the decade because he was not properly nourished. I panic and try to convince Craig to quit his job so he’s free on Friday. Craig doesn’t return the 84 messages I leave for him.
6/20/08: 7:30am--I arrive at Troy’s condo at the appropriate time. He is not wearing a headset, but there is a surgery binder, so this is to be taken seriously. Evidently Craig stays there too . . . Troy is in sweats (as promised) and a polo shirt (it might be Cherokee-don’t tell) and after receiving my “SURGERY OF THE YEAR THANK YOU GIFT" we take off. We take Coldwater to the 101 and along the way Troy notices a park that might be perfect for some wedding something or other event . . .I tune out because I’m trying to focus on driving. Really. He also mentions that maybe we’ll catch a movie after his surgery. I tell him he’ll probably want to just go home and sleep and I'll never see Love Guru. Even on a plane. ☺
8:15am-We pass the hospital in Woodland Hills because we are busy looking at the nail salon I could go to, and my options for decent food, and because well we’ve never been near here and are both mesmerized by this crazy area called "The Valley". Troy is also convinced we are near where they filmed much of Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. I don’t argue—he’s probably right, but then I panic about possibly running into Joe Simpson at the nail salon and immediately nix the mani/pedi idea. We realize we must have missed the hospital because there is nothing but nice big houses and so Troy calls the hospital for directions. He doesn’t get thru right away (do they not know who he is?) I suggest we kick it old school and use the address as a “clue”. We laugh at how funny I am, and how obviously pedestrian that seems. We find the hospital. Troy also learns that not all cars have GPS. He had no idea.
8:30am-We arrive. On time. Troy is on time for his own surgery. It’s because I drove. But it’s great to start off SURGERY OF THE YEAR DAY with a tiny miracle. We start snapping pictures to document the fun. Troy poses by a fountain. I’m not shocked at all, but the people walking by seem to be. We then enter the hospital and he starts the check-in process. We snap a few more pics until we’re reprimanded by the front desk “woman” who clearly would be a great addition to any company softball team. We’re not allowed to take any more pictures while we’re there—we nod our heads and I take a few steps back—mainly out of fear. After all she has more tatts than Tommy Lee and Tupac combined, PLUS an MLB team watch. Troy claims it was the Mets, but I had backed away by then and I tend not to trust Troy's "sports knowledge" too often. Little does she know we’ll be snapping pics all day long—as soon as we’re out of her sight.
8:30-8:45am--Troy and I make our way to the designated patient area and we are completely distracted because the hospital is something between an old school Planet Hollywood/Hard Rock and a nursing home. Troy also mentions that he wishes he'd brought his lavender spray because the hospital smells . . .We also notice the Elvis Presley gold records on the wall and I wonder if this place is a free museum on Tuesdays. With the exception of the staff and one awkward teen volunteer we are by far the youngest people in this hospital. By decades.
8:45am-Troy is escorted to his “own room” where his vitals are taken and he puts on his gown. He has a minor bitch fit because there is only a wire hanger for his sweatpants. He also asks the nurse when he’ll be able to eat. They tell him maybe after they surgery and they have food, so Troy tries to pre-order a turkey sandwich, but the nurse tells him it might be better to wait and see how he feels. Troy then asks about nearby restaurants and she tells him he will probably just want to go home after. She asks him if he’s had surgery before and he says yes, he had his wisdom teeth out at 17 and had Lasik. I tell him he has not had surgery. His iphone rings and the nurse takes it from the counter and gives it to him. Troy falls in love with the nurse. He loves having a 2nd assistant. I start treating her like crap. She takes the rest of his vitals and leaves. Her job, not mine. I'm the 1st asst. Troy then proceeds to get trapped in the bathroom as the sliding door has gotten stuck. I’m laughing so hard I am not able to help him, but I do manage to snap a pic of him.
9:15am-Troy is “wheeled” down to surgery. He introduces us to the aide who wheels him and assures him we are the funnest patient/friend combo he’ll see today.
Troy also mentions that he’s going for an A+ patient report. Somehow he does not bring up the wedding and I’m starting to get worried. We say our goodbyes in the surgery hallway and I head to the waiting room. Golden Girls is on the television. I wish I could make this up. I walk down to the cafeteria and realize that I am still not able to eat in a hospital. I head to the deli across the street for a delicious bagel. I would put money on the fact that the dude next to me is named Saul.
9:45am-11:29am—I sit in the waiting room reading and people watching. I’m reminded that I don’t do well around elderly people. I wish I did, but it is not a skill I possess. I text Craig every update. He ignores half of them. I don’t blame him. I have to use the ladies room but fear I will miss the doctor. If I pee in the waiting room I will just blame it on the old people.
11:30am-I inquire at the desk if Troy Williams is out of surgery yet. According to the schedule, he should have gone in at 10:30 and be done by 11:30. AND since he went in early (they were ahead of schedule), he might be out early. And well since I’m Troy’s friend I know how he probably reorganized the surgery schedule to make sure he was taken in on time. The woman at the desk calls the surgery area and informs them that Mrs. Williams is checking on her son. For whatever reason I don’t correct her. I am told the doctor will be out soon to speak with me. I run to the restroom and then back to my chair. Will and Grace is now on. I’m becoming a little worried about the elderly dude next to the tv. He either sleeps a lot or is slipping in and out of little comas. I curse Craig.
11:42am; Dr. Philip Biderman comes into the waiting room to tell me that the surgery went well and Troy is doing fine. He will be in recovery for an hour and then back up to his room. I ask if he was a diva, and he said “not too bad”. Evidently with the number of aging stars here, they have seen it all.
11:55 Aunt Bobbie calls to check on Troy. I take the call in the waiting room because evidently that is acceptable here. The other people in the waiting room don't even realize what a cell phone is. Weird. And then a cart is wheeled by me with two coolers on it that indicate some type of body part/liquid is inside. I am reminded again why I cannot eat anything in hospital. I have the weakest stomach possible. Have I mentioned how I threw up during Spy Kids’ 3 D. Oh wait—this is about Troy, not me.
12:30: Troy is wheeled back up to his room and while he nurse is adjusting him onto the bed I end up seeing Troy’s junk. WOW. In his defrense, his junk was still under anesthesia. Upon reflection I’m pretty sure the nurse thought that we had a different relationship than we actually have. She made a reference about Troy’s girlfriend, but technically I am a girl and his friend so whatever. No reason to break it down any further for her.
12:31-4pm: Troy recouperates in his room. This involves 1.5 turkey sandwiches, 2 cranberry grape drinks, part of an apple, water, skittles, my peanut M&M’s, a lot of gas, a fan being brought in to help his overheating problem, My Super Sweet 16 on MTV, America’s Best Dance Crew hosted by Mario Lopez on MTV, a trip to the restroom to vomit (Troy not me), Troy wondering how soon he can eat spaghetti, me watching Troy vomit while his entire gown was open in the back, laughing at Troy, 4 trips to the nurses’ station (me), 2 trips to the pharmacy (me), and a confused elderly women two doors down who cried "BILLY" and "HELP ME" for nearly 3 hours. After a lot of thinking, we decided she was calling out to Billy Wilder. After all this hospital is where aging stars go . . .
4:01pm: Troy signs his release paperwork and is wheeled out. I stop one more time at the pharmacy (I am now a regular) and get him bottled water and peanut M&M's (for later he says). I go get the car while he waits with the nurse in the front lobby. I contemplate heading south solo and leaving the rest of the day in the hands of the 2nd, but decide against it. I'll be cut from the wedding list and I'll have to return my thank you gift. I reconsider for a moment and then drive back around to help Troy into the car. I can't help but notice that Troy sitting in a hospital lobby dressed in all black with his Prada sunglasses to a backdrop of like 100 old people is A) hilarious B) surreal and C) Craig's future.
4:01-4:45pm: I drive Troy back home and while he has the majority of the a/c focused on him I am sweating in the drivers seat. Not a problem, Craig will be there when I get him back and home and then I'll be released. We call Craig and he finally answers his phone. He has to stay at the office a little late, and I mentally plot his destruction.
4:45pm-7pm: We arrive at Casa del Troy (and Craig Williams) and I get him up into his place, safely on the couch, and I head out to Gelson's. I have eaten a bagel and a few peanut M&M's and am nearly ready to eat a small animal I'm so hungry. I get his supply of cran-apple juice, some dulcolax (Troy's not mine), and a salad for myself. I head back to Troy's place and lay on the floor waiting for Craig to resurface.
7:01pm: Craig shows up--I think he's been at a happy hour. Troy starts demanding spaghetti. I steal some of Troy's vicodin and make a quick exit.
Footnote: I slept for 12 hours on Friday night. Take that Craig Joseph Fields Williams Felton! :)
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