Saturday, April 25, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Rendered speechless by a 9 year old named Shawn
It's rare, actually VERY rare for me to be rendered speechless. It's even more than VERY rare for my jaw to drop and be rendered speechless by a 9 year old multiple times in one day. Enter my nephew Shawn.
He turned 9 in the beginning of April and lives in Iowa. While visiting the family this weekend I was able to spend some quality time with him and my niece Shannon who is 13. He had some birthday money* burning a hole in his pocket, so we spent over 4 hours (mainly researching his options) at the mall. Here are a few highlights.
In the car--on the way to the mall--discussing our plans to shop, maybe see a movie, etc.
Shawn: I took a vow to myself to never see the Hannah Montana movie.
Amy: I support that. I saw 17Again and thought it was really cute.
Shawn: You went to the premiere with Troy.
Amy: Yes, Troy invited me. Troy knows Zac Efron from work events.
Shawn: Is Zac gay?
Amy: No.
Shawn: Yeah I saw on tmz his girlfriend is Vanessa Hudgens and they
said she can wipe her tears with her money.
Amy: WHAT?
In Target--waiting on Shannon who was trying on clothes . . .
Shawn to Amy: When am I gonna get another uncle?
Amy: Um. Wait. What? Do you want one?
Shawn: Yeah. I just have the one. Uncle Scott. I want another one.
Amy: Ok. I'm gonna work on it.
Shawn: Cool.
Then at one point we were in fye (music/movie, etc. store) and he
walked into the "mature viewers" section w/o me and lifted up the playboy cover of a dvd . . .
Amy: That's not really for you Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah I know, but whenever I see the playboy thing (logo) I get curious.
Then we went into Spencer's gifts--I remember when it was mainly fart
noisemaker things and what not--now it's pretty much porn and weed props. Anyway--we left quickly and then . . .
Shawn: Spencer's is really a dildo store for nerdy guys who can't get a date. That's what I heard.
Amy: Um maybe. And other stuff.
On the ride home, my niece asked me about Rihanna and Chris Brown. We had a brief discussion about how violence is unacceptable, and Shawn called him a turd. We are all on Team Rihanna. Duh. Then we had a fairly spirited discussion about Miley Cyrus' birth name. I was pretty sure Miley started as a nickname and then she changed it to her legal name. Shawn decided the best to find out the real answer was to look it up on my mac when we got home. Which I did. I was right--Miley was named Destiny Hope when she was born and changed her name to Miley Ray. I am both proud and sad that I "was right". Mainly sad.
I finished the night watching Cory in the House (wishing it was Benson) on Disney Channel and trying to right my brain with some Pinot Noir. . .
*I gave Shawn a cash gift for his bday. If you want to know how much you'll have to solve the word problem I put in his birthday card. Take current age, add the number of states in the US, subtract Shannon's age, add the number of tv's in Bubbie's house (4), subtract Zac Efron's age in his new movie. Answer is________. I also gave him a birthday project. With an additional $15 given to him, he needs to figure out how to "give it back" to people or organizations in need. He is doing the research and will let me know next weekend. Stay tuned.
For the record--Shawn does not have unlimited access to the internet--he doesn't even cable tv at home. He absolutely doesn't miss a thing. My mind is blown by kids of today. I'm pretty sure I was still eating dirt when I was 9.
He turned 9 in the beginning of April and lives in Iowa. While visiting the family this weekend I was able to spend some quality time with him and my niece Shannon who is 13. He had some birthday money* burning a hole in his pocket, so we spent over 4 hours (mainly researching his options) at the mall. Here are a few highlights.
In the car--on the way to the mall--discussing our plans to shop, maybe see a movie, etc.
Shawn: I took a vow to myself to never see the Hannah Montana movie.
Amy: I support that. I saw 17Again and thought it was really cute.
Shawn: You went to the premiere with Troy.
Amy: Yes, Troy invited me. Troy knows Zac Efron from work events.
Shawn: Is Zac gay?
Amy: No.
Shawn: Yeah I saw on tmz his girlfriend is Vanessa Hudgens and they
said she can wipe her tears with her money.
Amy: WHAT?
In Target--waiting on Shannon who was trying on clothes . . .
Shawn to Amy: When am I gonna get another uncle?
Amy: Um. Wait. What? Do you want one?
Shawn: Yeah. I just have the one. Uncle Scott. I want another one.
Amy: Ok. I'm gonna work on it.
Shawn: Cool.
Then at one point we were in fye (music/movie, etc. store) and he
walked into the "mature viewers" section w/o me and lifted up the playboy cover of a dvd . . .
Amy: That's not really for you Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah I know, but whenever I see the playboy thing (logo) I get curious.
Then we went into Spencer's gifts--I remember when it was mainly fart
noisemaker things and what not--now it's pretty much porn and weed props. Anyway--we left quickly and then . . .
Shawn: Spencer's is really a dildo store for nerdy guys who can't get a date. That's what I heard.
Amy: Um maybe. And other stuff.
On the ride home, my niece asked me about Rihanna and Chris Brown. We had a brief discussion about how violence is unacceptable, and Shawn called him a turd. We are all on Team Rihanna. Duh. Then we had a fairly spirited discussion about Miley Cyrus' birth name. I was pretty sure Miley started as a nickname and then she changed it to her legal name. Shawn decided the best to find out the real answer was to look it up on my mac when we got home. Which I did. I was right--Miley was named Destiny Hope when she was born and changed her name to Miley Ray. I am both proud and sad that I "was right". Mainly sad.
I finished the night watching Cory in the House (wishing it was Benson) on Disney Channel and trying to right my brain with some Pinot Noir. . .
*I gave Shawn a cash gift for his bday. If you want to know how much you'll have to solve the word problem I put in his birthday card. Take current age, add the number of states in the US, subtract Shannon's age, add the number of tv's in Bubbie's house (4), subtract Zac Efron's age in his new movie. Answer is________. I also gave him a birthday project. With an additional $15 given to him, he needs to figure out how to "give it back" to people or organizations in need. He is doing the research and will let me know next weekend. Stay tuned.
For the record--Shawn does not have unlimited access to the internet--he doesn't even cable tv at home. He absolutely doesn't miss a thing. My mind is blown by kids of today. I'm pretty sure I was still eating dirt when I was 9.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Getting Skinny for Jesus!
Ok well maybe I'm not the perfect Catholic--but I'm ok with that. I actually like lent (or is it Lent?). I like the challenge of giving up something and usually choose something that is beneficial for me to go without. Like meth. Plus it's only 40 days or 6 weeks or something like that. Easter is April 12! Yay!
Years ago I started giving up chocolate. I ate skittles everyday. It wasn't very "beneficial." Then I started giving up candy and I ate cupcakes and prayed for co-workers birthdays so I could eat cake and oh yeah--celebrate with them. I was definitely (and still am) the person who rolled her eyes and complained when the "birthday girl/boy" wanted carrot cake. Ugh--that is ass cake and I hate it and it makes me angry that you get ANY input because you make stupid cake choices! At least I can eat around the coconut in a German chocolate cake, but carrot is a big old waste of my fifteen minutes in the conference room. I could be on facebook or tracking airfare.
ANYWAY back to Jesus wanting me skinny. I mean skinnier. About 4 years ago I decided to give up sweets during Lent--which includes candy, cupcakes, cake, donuts, ice cream, etc. It's REALLY hard, but ultimately I have less headaches and maybe a little more energy and it works. This year I was inspired (thanks Jesus) to give up alcohol AND sweets. WOW. I mean obviously that is HARD core, but I felt like Jesus wants me skinny and this is great time to save money, calories, and headaches. I'm a week into my "Getting Skinny for Jesus" and read the timeline below to track my progress . . .
Fat Monday
A new holiday inspired by my father . . . but it involved wine, pasta and lots of candy. It also involved a stomach ache and maybe a trip to Soup Plantation just to 'get ready' for Tuesday.
Fatter Tuesday
$2 Tacos and unlimited chips at Spanish Kitchen along with some delicious wine. THEN back to my apt. for some more wine and to polish off my candy supply. Yes--I was eating Robin's Eggs malted milk balls at like 11:56pm and working hard trying to finish them all. Then I decided to go Hawaiian and give myself a few more hours. I had a little more wine and some skittles and thought that that was probably what Jesus would want me to do. Mahalo!
Ash Wednesday
I had a big discussion with my father and he was following some 10 bites for breakfast, 12 bites for lunch, and 15 bites for dinner plan. It sounded like the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard and I assured him that practice was not followed on the west coast. Sounded very Midwestern, and while normally I embrace my Midwesterness--that wasn't something I support. Along with their winters. I didn't have any wine (not even at church) or any sweets and I didn't die.
Thursday-Friday
I wanted skittles REAL bad. And chocolate milk. A LOT of chocolate milk. But I stayed strong. Thanks Jesus. And Lance Armstrong. Oh yeah--and I was kinda bitchy. Sorry Jesus.
Saturday
Ok--so there was a birthday party for one of my best girlfriends and it involved a hotel room, pre-partying, partying, and an after party--and it had been planned months in advance. I was planning to drink because being the only sober one at this would have been annoying. My friend was very happy that I celebrated with her accordingly and when I thought about it--I realized that Jesus would want me to make other people happy. That's like Jesus 101.
Sunday
Wow--After some Vodka at the pre-party and absinthe drinks at the party (that made my back feel tingly), I was 'willing' to go back to my non-drinking ways. Plus it was Sunday. Double Duh. I still wanted skittles.
Monday
I REALLY wanted something sweet. Yoplait blueberry yogurt is ass.
Tuesday
My awesome neighbors came over and we watched bad tv (American Idol) with my roommate. They all enjoyed a lovely glass or two of cab sav--one of my favorite wines and I had some chamomile tea. I was a little angry with Jesus.
Wednesday
So I'm week in, and I think i will survive. I do believe that some wine would help my sinus headache, but I'll have to test that theory after Easter. After all I'm getting skinny for Jesus!
Disclaimer
Yes I was raised Catholic and still consider myself Catholic even though I don't agree with everything that the church thinks, but it's a nice hour of peace, and I know how to do everything--all the sitting, standing, kneeling. Every once in awhile I'm inspired by something the priest says, but lots of time I just meditate and stare at people. It's good for me, but don't worry--I will never try to get anyone to go to church with me and I'll never tell you what you should or shouldn't believe. Obviously I've lived in sin and some other things that seem somewhat un-Catholic like, but they still welcome me even after I had a lengthy discussion with the priest about how it doesn't seen sanitary for the entire congregation to ALL share a wine goblet. Even with the wipedowns. Yeah--I pass on Jesus' blood. Also-I've never done meth and I know I'd be a terrible meth head. The sudafed I take for my sinus headache gives me medicine head and I do not enjoy it.
Years ago I started giving up chocolate. I ate skittles everyday. It wasn't very "beneficial." Then I started giving up candy and I ate cupcakes and prayed for co-workers birthdays so I could eat cake and oh yeah--celebrate with them. I was definitely (and still am) the person who rolled her eyes and complained when the "birthday girl/boy" wanted carrot cake. Ugh--that is ass cake and I hate it and it makes me angry that you get ANY input because you make stupid cake choices! At least I can eat around the coconut in a German chocolate cake, but carrot is a big old waste of my fifteen minutes in the conference room. I could be on facebook or tracking airfare.
ANYWAY back to Jesus wanting me skinny. I mean skinnier. About 4 years ago I decided to give up sweets during Lent--which includes candy, cupcakes, cake, donuts, ice cream, etc. It's REALLY hard, but ultimately I have less headaches and maybe a little more energy and it works. This year I was inspired (thanks Jesus) to give up alcohol AND sweets. WOW. I mean obviously that is HARD core, but I felt like Jesus wants me skinny and this is great time to save money, calories, and headaches. I'm a week into my "Getting Skinny for Jesus" and read the timeline below to track my progress . . .
Fat Monday
A new holiday inspired by my father . . . but it involved wine, pasta and lots of candy. It also involved a stomach ache and maybe a trip to Soup Plantation just to 'get ready' for Tuesday.
Fatter Tuesday
$2 Tacos and unlimited chips at Spanish Kitchen along with some delicious wine. THEN back to my apt. for some more wine and to polish off my candy supply. Yes--I was eating Robin's Eggs malted milk balls at like 11:56pm and working hard trying to finish them all. Then I decided to go Hawaiian and give myself a few more hours. I had a little more wine and some skittles and thought that that was probably what Jesus would want me to do. Mahalo!
Ash Wednesday
I had a big discussion with my father and he was following some 10 bites for breakfast, 12 bites for lunch, and 15 bites for dinner plan. It sounded like the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard and I assured him that practice was not followed on the west coast. Sounded very Midwestern, and while normally I embrace my Midwesterness--that wasn't something I support. Along with their winters. I didn't have any wine (not even at church) or any sweets and I didn't die.
Thursday-Friday
I wanted skittles REAL bad. And chocolate milk. A LOT of chocolate milk. But I stayed strong. Thanks Jesus. And Lance Armstrong. Oh yeah--and I was kinda bitchy. Sorry Jesus.
Saturday
Ok--so there was a birthday party for one of my best girlfriends and it involved a hotel room, pre-partying, partying, and an after party--and it had been planned months in advance. I was planning to drink because being the only sober one at this would have been annoying. My friend was very happy that I celebrated with her accordingly and when I thought about it--I realized that Jesus would want me to make other people happy. That's like Jesus 101.
Sunday
Wow--After some Vodka at the pre-party and absinthe drinks at the party (that made my back feel tingly), I was 'willing' to go back to my non-drinking ways. Plus it was Sunday. Double Duh. I still wanted skittles.
Monday
I REALLY wanted something sweet. Yoplait blueberry yogurt is ass.
Tuesday
My awesome neighbors came over and we watched bad tv (American Idol) with my roommate. They all enjoyed a lovely glass or two of cab sav--one of my favorite wines and I had some chamomile tea. I was a little angry with Jesus.
Wednesday
So I'm week in, and I think i will survive. I do believe that some wine would help my sinus headache, but I'll have to test that theory after Easter. After all I'm getting skinny for Jesus!
Disclaimer
Yes I was raised Catholic and still consider myself Catholic even though I don't agree with everything that the church thinks, but it's a nice hour of peace, and I know how to do everything--all the sitting, standing, kneeling. Every once in awhile I'm inspired by something the priest says, but lots of time I just meditate and stare at people. It's good for me, but don't worry--I will never try to get anyone to go to church with me and I'll never tell you what you should or shouldn't believe. Obviously I've lived in sin and some other things that seem somewhat un-Catholic like, but they still welcome me even after I had a lengthy discussion with the priest about how it doesn't seen sanitary for the entire congregation to ALL share a wine goblet. Even with the wipedowns. Yeah--I pass on Jesus' blood. Also-I've never done meth and I know I'd be a terrible meth head. The sudafed I take for my sinus headache gives me medicine head and I do not enjoy it.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Craigslist
I know it's not unique or original to cut and paste things from the interwebs onto my blog and call it "writing", but I'm in a weird place with my job situation and have been on a lot of cold medicine lately (seriously that's all). I'm spending a lot of time on craigslist trying to figure out some ways to make some $$ and I came across this. There are a variety of reasons why I wouldn't/shouldn't even consider this, but the biggest factor for me was the location. I can fake hot and young, but I can't fake the drive to the East Valley--wherever that is.
WANTED FUN/SEXY FEMALE MASSEUSE 4 UPSCALE POKER GAME (EAST VALLEY)
Reply to: gigs-1054202973@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-02-28, 8:40AM PST
Hiring an energetic, fun and sexy female masseuse for an upscale poker game.
Must be fun and outgoing, must be able to give a great chair massage.
Must be hot & young and know how to pull tips well off rich guys.
Work is at night and can be long hours. Need someone that can really give good massage and flirt a lot with the players.
Please send pics along with contact info and let me know if u have worked other poker games.
Location: EAST VALLEY
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
I mean if it's Pasadena I'll reconsider . . .my friend Liz lives there and maybe we could do it together? Afterall this is the year of change . . .
Thursday, February 26, 2009
My Gayz!
Every girl needs a posse of gays for survival. Whether it's for fashion influence, creative inspiration, day to day living, a guaranteed plus one--or love life advice. They are critical to success and I feel very fortunate to have so many amazing Gayz in my life. I'm not claiming to be a scientist or anything but there is absolutely an undeniable bond between women and gay men and if I didn't have these men in my life I shudder to think about what I'd be saying, wearing and possibly doing.
I have chosen to profile some of my Gayz and how they fit into my life. I am listing them alphabetically to minimize bitch fits. Coming soon to a store near you . . .Gayz action figures . . .
Allen is my Everyday Gay
Allen is my Everyday GAY because he has had the distinct privilege of living with me for the past 8 years. I'm pretty sure it's the longest relationship either one of us have ever been in. If you ask him how long we've lived together he'll say about 5 years, but it's been over 8. Allen is the perfect gay to live with as he's relatively low maintenance but he can also dispense fashion advice and kill bugs at the same time. There was a loose cricket in our home one night and I'm pretty sure I'm HIGHLY allergic to all bugs so he managed to "track" the beast while evaluating my outfit before a show. He looked at me and said "Show me something else", and I obliged. By the time I left my outfit was approved and the cricket was no longer with us. R.I.P. He manages to handle all these tasks while his iphone is blowing up with texts/calls, etc. from his many suitors. Usually they are Latino and they are almost all muy caliente. Allen is also the gay who can randomly fix dryers but will occasionally get a pedicure with me. I feel so lucky to live with him, and I know I couldn't survive the world without my Everyday Gay.
Craig is my Tricky Gay
Every now an then a gay enters your life and throws you for a loop. Craig is the tricky gay. He was "introduced" to me via email blast from Troy (see below) in a "HAPPY NEW YEAR I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND" message complete with pictures. Based on the email you would tend to think Craig was just a hot piece of arm candy with good arms, but oddly enough he is much much more. He's smart, funny, and has a lot of varied interests from modeling to editing to anthropology to law school. Really? He's also known for his gay trickery. He will often times try to convince me to do something that really is something else. Exhibit A--We had planned to meet for dinner at Pink Taco at Century City, and when I got there he also had a ticket for me to see Mamma Mia (the hideous movie version) after dinner. I hadn't agreed to see the movie, but somehow I gave him $12.50 and took the ticket. I then sat through one of the worst movies of the millennium (this one and the next) and when it was over I felt duped, tricked and maybe a little suspicious of his motives. Just when I think I know what will come next he mixes it up and I find myself doing some really weird things, often in the Valley, and they are usually orchestrated by Craig. He's the perfect teammate for various things such as game nights and Ravenchase adventures, but be wary of the Tricky Gay. He's more than arms.
James is my Crazy Gay
James is quite possibly the craziest person I have ever met. I've lived in LA for over 13 years and am pretty sure I've seen the most outrageous people the world has to offer and James would absolutely take first place. I worked in the same marketing department as James, just not as the same time. The stories about him were legendary and the more I heard the more I wanted to know him. It was practically love at first sight! I remember attending a birthday party for him in Orange County with Sumo wrestling contests in the backyard and his choreographed dance routines complete with Geisha costumes. I remember thinking "It's always worth the drive for James". He and I have commandeered a dance floor in a NYC club and I'm pretty sure we had everyone from the party people to the kitchen staff in awe. In a good way. I mean the club had BEDS . . .he still blames me for breaking his European lady glasses with that dance-off, but it's not true. He has worked for a variety of television shows and occasionally I'll get an email saying --'Hey check me out on Ellen or Bonnie Hunt today I'm dressed up like Jackie O.' I've never left an event that James attended without multiple stories. I usually drink a lot of diet coke to "get ready" to see James. And I usually need a sedative after. The world is MUCH more fun with James.
Jeff is my Back-up Gay
Every time a new good gay enters my world it's a very exciting time. I imagine it's like having a new puppy or child or something equally as adorable but that requires less maintenance. Jeff and I worked together and we became instant friends by exchanging eye rolls over the stained cubicle walls of a challenged cable network. He recently graduated from USC and after working for the Lakers he joined a misfit marketing department, and became one of my favorite lunch buddies and Facebook mentor. We can easily spend an entire lunch hour dissecting a text message and come up with the perfect response. He's redefines spaz with his penchant for leaving wallets, keys, sunglasses, etc. everywhere he visits and he often trips on imaginary garden gnomes. Jeff is my new favorite back-up gay because he can fill in for another gay if there is a need--like when T+C were out of town and I needed a hiking partner, or if we're both hurting in the am and we need to go on quick grease hunt together. He also shares his french fries (or I take them), and because he doesn't always finish them I provide a back-up service of sorts and do it for him. It's a give and take relationship and I respect that. His social calendar is VERY full with all sorts of Gossip Girl events, Survivor roundtables, and Lakers games, but he will make himself available. Just not for a comedy show. BAM!
Rick is my CrisisGay
Rick is my Crisis Gay because he can single handedly manage any crisis (big or small) and do it while preventing a meltdown of epic proportions. I met Rick years ago in Groundlings and he encouraged me to try stand-up. He was producing a comedy show and gave me a slot. In order to prevent my first onstage experience from being a total disaster we met a week before to run through my funnies. He was amazing and because of him I was able to get through my first set without pulling a Cindy Brady and freezing OR bursting into tears. Rick was also the sole reason I was able to get into my dress before the recent nuptials of T+C (www.troyandcraig.com). I was speaking at the wedding of the year and the event was "black tie fabulous". Rick, his husband Steve, and myself all had cocktails and got ready in my hotel room before the GAYla and I had a wardrobe malfunction when I tried to squeeze my head through the armhole of my dress instead of the actual opening for my head. I was trembling and seconds from tears and I asked him "Is it zipping up?" He calmed responded, "Not at the moment, but we're working on it". I managed to shimmy into it and Rick zipped me up BUT it wasn't right and we both knew it. I thought I'd gained 80 lbs. in 2 weeks, and Rick, sensing the tears and catastrophy looming took one look at the dress on me and suggested I had it on incorrectly. He calmly convinced me to try again and showed me how it should be worn. In turn I showed him more of me than he was probably trying to see, but ultimately he was 100% responsible for averting what could have been a bigger crisis than the collapse of the economy. Thank the Gay God for my Crisis Gay. He can also make magic on a trapeze. No joke.
Troy is my Power Gay
Troy is the ultimate Power Gay. He is in no way affiliated with the Gay Mafia that allegedly exists here in LA, but if they are real then they definitely know about him. He has a fancy job at Warner Bros. that has allowed him to meet many people and he adds everyone to his "CONTACTS" within minutes of meeting them. He plans grand events at fabulous venues all over the city, but I have seen him eat a sandwich from 7-11. He's the perfect person to call when you're crying b/c your birthday party reservation got completely messed up and you need a place for 50 people in 48 hours. He can often be seen with a headset and clipboard, but don't underestimate his power if he's only wielding an iphone. Troy is the Power Gay who will show up at your house when you have mono with a hair straightening rod, free month of Barry's Boot Camp card, and Spanx as gifts to make you feel better. Ultimately they do make you feel better but probably just not in that moment. Obviously my life would never be anywhere near as exciting or fancy if it wasn't for my Power Gay. Yeah my life is exciting and fancy. At times. Thanks Troy!
So mad love to all of the Gayz in my life and look out for My Gayz Pt. 2 next week (Brian, Ed, Sean, Ray, and MANY MANY more) . . .
I have chosen to profile some of my Gayz and how they fit into my life. I am listing them alphabetically to minimize bitch fits. Coming soon to a store near you . . .Gayz action figures . . .
Allen is my Everyday Gay
Allen is my Everyday GAY because he has had the distinct privilege of living with me for the past 8 years. I'm pretty sure it's the longest relationship either one of us have ever been in. If you ask him how long we've lived together he'll say about 5 years, but it's been over 8. Allen is the perfect gay to live with as he's relatively low maintenance but he can also dispense fashion advice and kill bugs at the same time. There was a loose cricket in our home one night and I'm pretty sure I'm HIGHLY allergic to all bugs so he managed to "track" the beast while evaluating my outfit before a show. He looked at me and said "Show me something else", and I obliged. By the time I left my outfit was approved and the cricket was no longer with us. R.I.P. He manages to handle all these tasks while his iphone is blowing up with texts/calls, etc. from his many suitors. Usually they are Latino and they are almost all muy caliente. Allen is also the gay who can randomly fix dryers but will occasionally get a pedicure with me. I feel so lucky to live with him, and I know I couldn't survive the world without my Everyday Gay.
Craig is my Tricky Gay
Every now an then a gay enters your life and throws you for a loop. Craig is the tricky gay. He was "introduced" to me via email blast from Troy (see below) in a "HAPPY NEW YEAR I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND" message complete with pictures. Based on the email you would tend to think Craig was just a hot piece of arm candy with good arms, but oddly enough he is much much more. He's smart, funny, and has a lot of varied interests from modeling to editing to anthropology to law school. Really? He's also known for his gay trickery. He will often times try to convince me to do something that really is something else. Exhibit A--We had planned to meet for dinner at Pink Taco at Century City, and when I got there he also had a ticket for me to see Mamma Mia (the hideous movie version) after dinner. I hadn't agreed to see the movie, but somehow I gave him $12.50 and took the ticket. I then sat through one of the worst movies of the millennium (this one and the next) and when it was over I felt duped, tricked and maybe a little suspicious of his motives. Just when I think I know what will come next he mixes it up and I find myself doing some really weird things, often in the Valley, and they are usually orchestrated by Craig. He's the perfect teammate for various things such as game nights and Ravenchase adventures, but be wary of the Tricky Gay. He's more than arms.
James is my Crazy Gay
James is quite possibly the craziest person I have ever met. I've lived in LA for over 13 years and am pretty sure I've seen the most outrageous people the world has to offer and James would absolutely take first place. I worked in the same marketing department as James, just not as the same time. The stories about him were legendary and the more I heard the more I wanted to know him. It was practically love at first sight! I remember attending a birthday party for him in Orange County with Sumo wrestling contests in the backyard and his choreographed dance routines complete with Geisha costumes. I remember thinking "It's always worth the drive for James". He and I have commandeered a dance floor in a NYC club and I'm pretty sure we had everyone from the party people to the kitchen staff in awe. In a good way. I mean the club had BEDS . . .he still blames me for breaking his European lady glasses with that dance-off, but it's not true. He has worked for a variety of television shows and occasionally I'll get an email saying --'Hey check me out on Ellen or Bonnie Hunt today I'm dressed up like Jackie O.' I've never left an event that James attended without multiple stories. I usually drink a lot of diet coke to "get ready" to see James. And I usually need a sedative after. The world is MUCH more fun with James.
Jeff is my Back-up Gay
Every time a new good gay enters my world it's a very exciting time. I imagine it's like having a new puppy or child or something equally as adorable but that requires less maintenance. Jeff and I worked together and we became instant friends by exchanging eye rolls over the stained cubicle walls of a challenged cable network. He recently graduated from USC and after working for the Lakers he joined a misfit marketing department, and became one of my favorite lunch buddies and Facebook mentor. We can easily spend an entire lunch hour dissecting a text message and come up with the perfect response. He's redefines spaz with his penchant for leaving wallets, keys, sunglasses, etc. everywhere he visits and he often trips on imaginary garden gnomes. Jeff is my new favorite back-up gay because he can fill in for another gay if there is a need--like when T+C were out of town and I needed a hiking partner, or if we're both hurting in the am and we need to go on quick grease hunt together. He also shares his french fries (or I take them), and because he doesn't always finish them I provide a back-up service of sorts and do it for him. It's a give and take relationship and I respect that. His social calendar is VERY full with all sorts of Gossip Girl events, Survivor roundtables, and Lakers games, but he will make himself available. Just not for a comedy show. BAM!
Rick is my CrisisGay
Rick is my Crisis Gay because he can single handedly manage any crisis (big or small) and do it while preventing a meltdown of epic proportions. I met Rick years ago in Groundlings and he encouraged me to try stand-up. He was producing a comedy show and gave me a slot. In order to prevent my first onstage experience from being a total disaster we met a week before to run through my funnies. He was amazing and because of him I was able to get through my first set without pulling a Cindy Brady and freezing OR bursting into tears. Rick was also the sole reason I was able to get into my dress before the recent nuptials of T+C (www.troyandcraig.com). I was speaking at the wedding of the year and the event was "black tie fabulous". Rick, his husband Steve, and myself all had cocktails and got ready in my hotel room before the GAYla and I had a wardrobe malfunction when I tried to squeeze my head through the armhole of my dress instead of the actual opening for my head. I was trembling and seconds from tears and I asked him "Is it zipping up?" He calmed responded, "Not at the moment, but we're working on it". I managed to shimmy into it and Rick zipped me up BUT it wasn't right and we both knew it. I thought I'd gained 80 lbs. in 2 weeks, and Rick, sensing the tears and catastrophy looming took one look at the dress on me and suggested I had it on incorrectly. He calmly convinced me to try again and showed me how it should be worn. In turn I showed him more of me than he was probably trying to see, but ultimately he was 100% responsible for averting what could have been a bigger crisis than the collapse of the economy. Thank the Gay God for my Crisis Gay. He can also make magic on a trapeze. No joke.
Troy is my Power Gay
Troy is the ultimate Power Gay. He is in no way affiliated with the Gay Mafia that allegedly exists here in LA, but if they are real then they definitely know about him. He has a fancy job at Warner Bros. that has allowed him to meet many people and he adds everyone to his "CONTACTS" within minutes of meeting them. He plans grand events at fabulous venues all over the city, but I have seen him eat a sandwich from 7-11. He's the perfect person to call when you're crying b/c your birthday party reservation got completely messed up and you need a place for 50 people in 48 hours. He can often be seen with a headset and clipboard, but don't underestimate his power if he's only wielding an iphone. Troy is the Power Gay who will show up at your house when you have mono with a hair straightening rod, free month of Barry's Boot Camp card, and Spanx as gifts to make you feel better. Ultimately they do make you feel better but probably just not in that moment. Obviously my life would never be anywhere near as exciting or fancy if it wasn't for my Power Gay. Yeah my life is exciting and fancy. At times. Thanks Troy!
So mad love to all of the Gayz in my life and look out for My Gayz Pt. 2 next week (Brian, Ed, Sean, Ray, and MANY MANY more) . . .
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